i printed & framed our boy’s first bath with mama memory.
this is everything to me! there is so much story here. so so much.
i remember this time as being very hard. good, everything i ever dreamed of, and also hard. too hard.
it was a dream of mine to take a bath with my baby. and here i am doing so.
but what you can’t see here are my tears. i am in so much pain.
my c-section hurt. jack is a huge baby and kicks a lot so he was hurting my stomach.
we were in the early days of breastfeeding and i had oversupply, painful let down, clogged ducts, the works.
i just wanted it all to stop.
this was not what i thought this would be.
why is this so hard?
is this how it is for everyone or just me?
how can something so beautiful and God given also be so terrible and painful?
i had no idea that so much of motherhood would be amazing happiness, the greatest joy, along with terrible pain and all the anxiety. i wanted it to be just bliss without the mess. and i fought this hard for months. i’m still not entirely over it.
now we are in month five and i finally am seeing what i maybe was supposed to see all along. this is what sin brought us. this will be a constant struggle. a work that is never completed. never mastered. a journey with bumpy roads and bruised body and standing in the rain. but that doesn’t mean it isn’t also amazing, worth it and good for me.
i wasn’t allowing the Lord to use me, use my baby, use my husband to refine me.
i wasn’t willing to see my selfishness, my own sin in my desires vs reality.
i was fighting for my unmet expectation of what this time “should have been”
i have been completely broken open. wide open. and several people have witnessed my brokenness. in the hospital. my blood, my nakedness, birthing a human, coming completely undone. my husband has seen me at my absolute worst. my closest friends have seen me unraveled and shaken. and so many people are a part of me being rebuilt. put back together. but never to return to the old self. it’s like a dramatic new start. a painful reset. a forced awakening. i get to be made new again, but it’s painful to be put back together.
i will only be whole if i allow the Lord to do His work in me. i have reminders of what happened, loud marks on my body. new pains that i feel deeply, physically. but He has promised that i will heal and be made whole again one day. each step following Jesus leads me down a road of wonder and grace and beauty and suffering and mystery. and i want to go on that journey.