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i can't have a baby but she should be able to || bethany burt || rejoice and mourn together.

disclaimer : i have been all over the place with the post because it is never my desire to hurt anyone's feelings. but this post has been on my heart for a very long time and i feel it needs to be said. 


so we all know how sensitive the baby topic is. 
and so many other topics these days. 


well, i want to go ahead and talk about it. 


i'm extremely tired of all the "what not to say to someone who  ____ " 
is expecting. 
can't get pregnant. 

please don't already be upset. 
if you are, you probably will not want to read on. 
just wanting to give a fair warning. 

here's the thing. 
i think it is absolutely wonderful to watch what we say and to be mindful, careful and kind to others because we never know what they are going through. 

but, we never discuss the other side. 

we only ever talk about how we can't talk about things because it might upset someone. 

what about people learning to get over things that make them a little uncomfortable or upset?
or just facing them at least. i know getting over it is extremely difficult. but we can face it. and not be cowards. 
what about just getting over ourselves a little bit and realizing that that person probably has no idea that what they asked or said upsets you. how could they possibly know? 

and you are really just sensitive about it. 
maybe even rightfully so, but people are never going to be able to say anything if we always have to factor in how sensitive someone might be about something. 

do we understand how ridiculous that is?

now before you throw the stones. 

i'm writing this because i go through it. 
i'm a woman, just like you. and i have all the feels and i can be sensitive, too. 

but i don't let that rule me. anymore. 

i've had the idea for this blog post for months. and i've been too terrified to write it. 

my friends text me reminders like "hey how's that sensitive baby blog post going?" and i love them but i also hate it because i just can't even get myself to write about this topic. i know how hard this is. i know how rude i might sound. i know how sensitive you might feel about this and how much you might hate me because i'm daring to talk about it and daring to suggest that you need to get over yourself a wee bit. 


the reason i feel like i can do this is because it's exactly what i need. 
so i'm willing to wager it might be something someone else will need, too. 


i'm over the be "kind and never step on any toes" thing. 

let's step on some toes! heavens to besty, what will happen if we actually GROW a little bit!? 

i'm ready to step on those toes because that's exactly when we grow the most. 

just a little swift kick in the pants is all we need, girls. to push forward onto the path of moving ahead and not allowing ourselves to bathe in our self pity and our sweatpants and ice cream. GET UP. GET OVER IT. MOVE ON. NEXT PROBLEM. 


i'm just suggesting a new focus. 


my opinion is that when we are super defensive or offended or sensitive about a topic, our focus is usually on what? ME. ME. ME. 

my way. my wants. my feels. you back off before i smack you. 

in the beginning of struggling to get pregnant i was all about me. 

obviously. i want that baby. i'm not selfish and just give me what i want. 


you getting pregnant hurts my chances of getting pregnant. because that's how that works.
now i'm threatened by you and your baby bump abilities. 


it's not fair they get to have the baby and i don't.

they picked a really bad name and now i'm judging them.

or THEY PICKED THE NAME WE WANTED. and that's really not fair. that's just wrong, actually. 

we have to have children or we are useless to the Kingdom. 

i have to be a mother or else i'm worthless. 


and that's why you cannot post about anything. because i'm offended by your story. because i'm unhappy in mine.  

do you see? this is what we do. and justify ourselves thinking this way. 

it's unacceptable. 


i've always been dramatic so i'm also aware i could have a kid in 10 months and a whole bunch changes. but i know God is working in and through me in the now. 

that means before and after children. that children or no children is not even the point or focus of my life at all. He has allowed me to go through all of this, my selfish desires, all these trials, because the focus should always be on Him first no matter what the circumstance or part of my story i am living. 


you guys. i could go on for hours. 

i have spent nights on my knees and face and in my husband's arms. just shaking and crying in sadness, sorrow, despair, selfishness, and anger. in bed crying. worrying my husband will want another wife who can make him babies. worrying i'm not enough. worrying my worth depends on being a mother. 

so do not tell me i just don't understand. 

because I DO. i have been there. 


i also feel i can write this because I STILL DON'T HAVE A BABY. 

i'm still not getting pregnant. we still have no idea why. we're still not even trying. we're still not adopting or fostering. i still have zero near future of kids. so i'm not at the other end like "oh, just wait. i was there but then babies and happiness" because, no. that's not the point and that's exactly why i'm writing this. 


God is here during all of it. God is good during all of it. and God doesn't want us to mistake our purpose, calling or worth for something other than Him. 

His glory, His kingdom. His will. amen. 


my heart has drastically changed in the last year and i'm so incredibly thankful. 

and excited. 


HE changes everything. 


He has just revealed Himself to me in a way that i never thought possible. 


my refreshed soul no longer longs for that baby because i want a baby. 

it longs for His will to be done in my life. and i will gladly take on whatever that means. and i have some struggles of crying for a baby because BABIES. the entire culture around me is shaped on families. it is actually much easier when i'm around my single or zero-desire-of-having-kids couple friends. He has used people to show me what God is doing in my life NOW. the friends have lavished love and good news into my life on a daily basis. and it makes things easier during the confusion and the crappy days. 

they remind me of purpose. they remind me of the fruit my life does bear now. and He has healed my marriage of my selfish desire to make us more than just us two.


i want us to stop asking why can't we have a baby and why she can.  

and i want us to stop thinking this isn't fair. 

and think what is God doing? what does God want? 

how can i honor Him with my life NOW. 

why do i try to find my worth in anything except Him? 


i know there is nothing wrong with having babies. 

and all my mom friends hopefully know my heart. i'm not bashing mothers. please understand me. you're freaking awesome. and your kids are blessings. and i love them. 
and yes, we'd love to babysit!


but i'm no longer waiting around to be anything until i'm a mom. 


we sometimes send the wrong message. 


i don't want to jump the gun. 

i don't want to take things into my own hands and create this family i desired. 

because God is so good He's been ready to speak to me all along. but while i'm like ME ME ME AND ME, i cannot hear Him. 


i don't want to miss what God has promised for my life. 

what hasn't yet been for me, God has already accomplished. 

that fills my heart with wonderment and endless joy. 


how incredible to think that while i'm crying on my bed, confused about where my life is. why am i a busy business owner when all i've ever wanted was to be a wife and mama. why do i have to do this calling when i wanted another one? when is my turn? why can't i just get what i want. i'm always looking for a way for me to control the situation or make things happen in my time. 


i would hate to be like Sarah and have my husband sleep with my maid to make a son that God has promised. that's not what the promise was. the promise was for Sarah but she didn't believe it was possible. or think it was happening fast enough. so she took matters into her own hands. and that did not turn out well at all. it's just bad news when we do that. and we've seen that time and time again. God does forgive us and still use us and give us His promises. i'm crazy thankful for that. but having the amazing mentors before me and the amazing stories in the Bible to teach us, i know better. we know better, right? so let's start living that out. 

hold fast and true to God. His promises are true. and i want to wait on them. 


so when you're hurting and you cannot handle all the happy pregnant posts or the beautiful baby bellies or the dedications or the mother's day's, take a break. 

get off social media and know yourself well enough to not check things out for a while. you know we all do it. we look at the things that make us bitter or angry or start the pity party, ON PURPOSE. come on, ladies. we have to stop. and we CAN stop. we actually physically can. these changes must be made. it starts somewhere.


another suggestion is to prepare yourself and then look at those things, and focus on what is happening in your heart. if you feel bitter and dark and upset and hurt, check yourself. and ask for forgiveness. it is not okay to just keep letting yourself feel that way. those feelings are real and they do hurt, but again, the focus is off and you need to understand that. she is enjoying something that is a gift to her and her husband. you can delight for them and mourn for yourself at the same time. you do not have to be nasty or offended by other people's stories.  pray for those people and ask God to reveal his plan for your life right now. in the midst of the waiting or the hurt or the hard or the bitter. He is there and He feels with you. 


don't be mad that someone else is pregnant and you're not. 

what helps me is remembering that as soon as i am, i will be SHOUTING WITH PRAISE!!!!
it will be loud. there will be tons of photographs. 
and i won't even feel sorry about it. it's my gift directly from God and it's meant to be celebrated!
just as you would be. so allow her the same courtesy that you'd like. 


women can just be the worst. 

when it's our turn, we get to shout and post and photos galore! 

but as soon as we're upset about something, everyone needs to stop posting or we're going to lose it. how about we just know ourselves and chill out when we're not handling things well. and not expect other people to tend to our issues that they don't even know about. 


it breaks my heart that people's delight in their gifts are expected to be diminished because you haven't gotten your presents yet. 

when i see other people's blessings, i delight for them. even through my own sorrow (sometimes not at first). but in the end i'm always so glad i chose delight over bitterness in my heart for them. and i want for everyone else to be able to enjoy the peace of this also. 


if you truly love your neighbor,
you will rejoice when they rejoice and you will mourn when they mourn. 
and sometimes that will be at the same time.