the blog

the blog

thoughts & musings

the ugly side of me || summer time bethany || overwhelmed soul

this season in our life is absolutely crazy. 
for me, it's extremely overwhelming. 

for my calm cool cucumber husband, he's like meh, it's OK. 

i don't know how he does it. 
i know two extremely calm people and they both are like my dream personality people. 

but i also fear that if we were all like them, nothing would get done.
at least that's what i tell myself to excuse my erratic behavior. 


can i just change persons already?! 

i have six sessions this week alone. 
plus all the people with all the photos and all the waiting that's already happening. 

this just is what life is like for a photographer in this season. 
we are three years in and it's the same game each year. 
i do love it. but i don't love the way i am during this stressful time. 

i need the calm medicine. 
i think they call it xanax. 
load me up. 

i don't like this part of me. 

i don't know that anyone does. 

my sweet darling husband puts up with me and my friends try to but i drive them mad really fast. 

sometimes i'm like "well, it was a good run. i think this means i have to quit and i'm not cut out for this"
and i cry in the car. 

but ethan says nope. it just means you have to work harder to fix yourself. 
i love the man i married. 
darn it. 

so how do you just CHANGE how you FEEL and all the EMOTIONS and all the CRAZY that is inside of you!? 

i do not know that answer yet. 

which pisses me off, frankly. 

i did see inside out. 
i already want to go see it again. it's so good. 

and i know who runs my station. 
it's fear. with some loud joy. and currently anger. a bit. 

what is really the most difficult is that no one is making me feel this way, but me. 
i'm the problem. and i'm mad at myself and i just can't fix it for some reason. 
i know better, yet i am run over by my emotions. 

i can't handle the stress. 
i put this pressure on myself and everyone around me is trying to be helpful but i misread them and 
think they are the enemy. i just want to be left alone and i want to get work done faster. 
which is so exhausting because it's a lot of work. and it takes time. 

i guess i'm finding out that i have major high expectations of myself. 
and then i'm failing and then i can't get out of the hole. 

when i wake up in the morning, i've already failed because i didn't get today's work done yesterday. 

but i do know that i'm thankful for a safe place to figure it out. 
with people who love me. 
and clients who are way too good to us. 
(extremely in love with and thankful for this fact)

i do also know that random thirty minute dates in between traveling or sessions or wedding days is helpful. 

also, watching the office. 

disclaimer : please don't feel the need to message me to make me feel better about this. 
i am the problem, you are not. 


my favorite thing during busy season is when ethan says "i thought we could grab some books and go on a coffee date after work today"


also, the sugar detox has just turned into a lifestyle. 
sort of. 
in the works lifestyle. 

i only have 25g or less of sugar a day now. and i'm going on a full month! 

so at this date e told me to get my own double chocolate muffin. 

also, i think this time is hard for me because summertime hates my body. 
my daily pain levels are so much higher and my fuse is way short. 

i hate summer heat. 
everyone is having fun and i'm hurting more. 
it really takes a tole on the heart. 

i'm not usually like this. usually it's so much easier for me to find the joy. 
so this is the ugly side of my life. 
it's gross and we don't like to admit it or talk about it right? 
but it just is what it is. 

i'm nasty bethany in the summer. 
rude bethany totally comes out when the humidity is stupid. 

my idea of summer fun is inside with a/c and pretending it's fall. 

but the bridal bouquets are exquisite in the summer time. 
so, there is a bright side. 

aways a bright side.