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thoughts & musings

the poem || and the date day || love burt living

i thought today was going to be a lazy day.

it was super rainy and unfortunately two of our engagement sessions had to reschedule. 
we were able to get one done yesterday (which was incredible and i cannot wait to share)
but it rained so it was impossible to photograph. 

i made coffee. cat played with yarn and ethan stole the most comfortable spot - the new lounger.

after coffee ethan told me i had ten minutes to get ready. "we're dating today" he said. 
i had totally forgot! he told me yesterday if i was really good and left him alone to do work in his own office then he was going to take me dating sunday. i'm mostly kidding, he didn't say exactly that. but basically i am always adorably annoying him when we're home together. so i was good! and he kept his promise. 

sidenote, this is weird for me but i am going to try to stop with the nail polish. 
i don't always wear it on my fingernails but ALWAYS on my toes. the only time the polish is off is to switch to a different color. but i've been doing lots of reading on just how terrible nail polish is and i already have way too many health problems. it's going to be difficult bec i think toe nail polish is just the most adorable thing ever. 

so, date day. 
we started at freaking einstein's bagels. so much cream cheese. it was really good. we had never been there. only i just stopped by one time and got little cinnamon bagel poppers. but that was it. so it was a new place for us to try on the cheap. cream cheese is so delicious. 

we did some errands like best buy and then went to barnes&noble for book browsing and coffee. 
we decided on our next read together which will be scary close by donald miller. we love don. 
and then we read ecclesiastes on the way home. it's e's favorite book of the bible and i'm always so so interested in it as well, so i read aloud while he drove. i plan to study it next. it's so beautiful and full of philosophy. 

next. we got home and ethan worked more on his new office, since mine is nearly done. GLORY. 
i played nat king cole and made dinner. we have these amazing packages of jalapeño chicken sausages and i use them to make up recipes. so i did those with fresh diced onion, jalapeño and tomatoes and then added a four cheese alfredo sauce. it.was.amazing. and also a salad because we all need to eat more leafy greens. 

while helping ethan clean out his office i found an old box. i took all my random crafting things and that old box into my office to sort through while watching HGTV on netflix. i was super happy to find a tote of books that i've had for years. some of my favorite high school authors and books from my childhood days. 

also in that old box was the paper that ethan used to write me my very first poem in 2010. ugh. 
so i ugly cried and read it a million times. and i've been swooning ever since. 

today while we were at best buy i was just thinking about love. 
i was thinking that i just don't understand people that don't
spend their time feeling and being love. i love love so much. i feel it so deeply. and not even just because of ethan. i felt it way before i met him and duh, i do feel it even more now because of him. but it's just the greatest thing in the whole world. we are designed for love. created to be lovely. i am so moved by people being love and creating love in our world. so to find my poem tonight, just made this an outstanding moment in my life. 

i never expected to marry a dude that writes poetry. it wasn't a requirement on my list. 
since then he has maybe written me five other things. but this poem. this poem is everything for us. for me. we met in nov of 2009. and he wrote the poem in feb of 2010. i remember that day so clearly. and i do think of it sometimes, but not often enough. reading it after 6 years of marriage, i'm amazed that i would ever doubt ethan's love for me. or have any insecurities at all. that boy is crazy for me. he is the most intense human being on the planet. he was all mine then, and he is even more mind now. today i asked him how it's even possible that it just keeps getting better. i obviously am not going to share all the words from the poem but it's so good, you guys.

side note, after i told him i found it, he read it, and said "you know i love you so much more than that now, right?" UGH. OK. DEAD.  

it's got our love story wrapped up in it. i remember so much about him from those years of meeting and falling in love through the words he wrote back then. it was actually valentine's day. 
which is funny if you know us at all. now we don't do birthday's or holiday's at all. like, i mean we don't give presents to each other. never have. we celebrate every single day together. but this is the one and only valentine's day we ever did in that way. he stored a huge bouquet of yellow daisies in the basement and brought them up to me at the breakfast bar at his dad's home. he gave me the poem and the flowers. it was the biggest bouquet of yellow daisies i've ever seen. besides the one thousand yellow daisies lorelai gets. i tried to hold it together but he mentioned the babies we would have one day, the mother i will be and some song lyrics that he used to sing to me and so obviously i completely lost it. 
then we had breakfast at the root beer stand in town. coffee and pancakes and biscuits and gracy for me, coffee and a double bacon BLT for him. i've always loved being able to fully be me around him. large appetite and all. and he gets what he wants. lunch at breakfast. because he's charming ethan burt. 

even then, he could see our future. the love he would have for me forever. he truly chose me. 

i just love love stories so much it makes me want to puke. 

what i love the most i think it just the daily choice to be about love. it makes all the difference in a human's life. no matter their circumstances. we all have the ability to choose love. i know so many happy marriages and so many happy single people. and it's just people choosing love instead of negativity and complaining. 

i have been trapped in this horrible negative cloud recently. like just in the mood to ruin my life. it is awful. the worst decision a human could make. i felt like everyone else was dragging me down but really it was my own doing. i chose to think on my chronic pain more and the awful stuff that comes along with that. i chose to be mad at the people who don't understand me. i chose to complain. all the time. about all the things. it just was a really bad place. 

discipline is a hard thing. choosing joy isn't always easy. there is a lot of negativity to cling to in this world. but love is always the better way to go. no matter how difficult it may be. so after rough days of faking it til i make it, things are turning around. 
and after finding the poem tonight, and giving ethan eyes that made him light up and tell me it was the best to see me like that again, i realized i have been spending way too much time letting the bad noise get in. and not enough time delighting in love. 

i'm so thankful for this day. for this evening. for this love life. for the love. 

tonight i wrote on my library card about finding the poem. 
and i made a kentucky mule. ethan found the cutest bottles of australian ginger beer so he got me those and i think they are just darling. and of course, a copper mug. 

a few years ago i did this thing that i probably blogged about then. it was recording what i'm thankful for about my husband each night, and then waking up to reading it the next morning. it helped with focusing on gratefulness instead of holding on to wrongs and building bitterness. 

now i'm all about this library card thing i made up. writing down dates and memories to look back on. i'll string them up in the office and look at them often. grocery store memories, pretty warm days and picnic memories, the people, gatherings and community memories, reaching our goal of booked weddings for the year memories, even rough pain days but sweet things said, keeping the focus on the joy memories. 

it's going to be so good for my soul. and for our marriage.