every day is not super perfect and great. can i get an amen already?
i am a person who chooses joy. it really does come easily for me because i'd much rather be happy than miserable and i finally realized that it's a choice. some days though i admit, it's just really freaking hard to choose the correct thing.
today i need a lot of correction.
i hate that this morning.
it would be so much easier for me to just not write today. not be honest.
hide away like i want to and just wait for a day when it comes easier to me to be happy and thankful and sweet and kind.
but then i remembered that this is what will make good writing. helpful writing.
and so here i am. writing words for you. and writing words for me.
to just be thankful. because it probably could be worse. and one day, maybe even soon, it might be. so just look to something bright. and onward we may go.
i woke up with very angry feelings.
i want the world to feel sorry for me because lyme hurts and it is living inside of me jacking up all of my organs and immune system. and now i can't even kill it effectively and efficiently because we've discovered mega gut issues. so, great. i can't even just have lyme disease. i even fail at killing lyme. also do you know what else sucks? mostly what i feed myself is the problem. and the problem is that i love to feed myself sugar. i am so pissed at sugar. but i still love it. gimme.
so i'm on a journey to create a healthy body. it's so annoying. and frustrating. i have to eat broccoli instead of brownies and i have to learn how to get sweet potatoes down without gagging. or adding brown sugar and marshmallows.
i love my husband so much but his discipline and self control with food makes me batty.
overall, obviously i want health.
i want to be healthy enough to fight and kill this lyme disease.
i want to be healthy and know my body and give it the nutrients it needs to thrive.
i want to be healthy enough to grow a human one day.
(another way God is protecting me and revealing himself to me. if i had gotten pregnant in the last five years like i've wanted for myself, my bebes would have lyme. so thanks, God. and sorry again about my tude and impatience)
i want to not be addicted to sugar.
and i want to give the sugar industry the middle finger.
so this morning i just freaked. i literally said cuss words at my darling fluffy cat.
she did ruin my leggings with her claw, so she kind of had it coming. but it was over the top.
yelling is my thing when i break, i guess.
my poor husband. i hate that i yell and scream in anger but i literally feel like i can't help it and it just happens to me. and i especially hate that out of control feeling. what i hate most in those moments is that i absolutely had the opportunity and choice to not make that wrong decision. but i did it anyways. and felt horrible afterwards. it's so annoying to know that i chose rage and mean words over gentleness and kindness. you know what proud feeling when you don't behave like the worst version of yourself? yeah, i missed that feeling today. remorse is all i feel.
this is detoxing. these intense mood swings.
this is saying goodbye to sugar and getting my life back. or started.
but it SUCKS. the process sucks.
i've become the worst version of myself. i'm pretending to be nice when i really just want to say "SCREW YOU WORLD" and be alone to cry and curse and hate everything.
i hate how invisible lyme is. i hate how people roll their eyes and think i'm being dramatic and making symptoms up. but most of all, i hate how i feel about the world and people when i'm focused on hate.
i want to be a thankful person. i do not want to allow hate in. i don't want to become a person who hates and only has mean words.
but today is really hard to be thankful.
so what do i do?
i think remembrance would be helpful.
remember when you were home alone for hours while ethan worked two jobs and you couldn't even get myself out of bed?
remember how you couldn't hold a job and got fired twice and cried for months and now you own a photography company and can work hard and work from home and rest anytime you need?
remember how far you've come?
remember how good coffee tastes?
remember how many people DO get you?
remember how some restaurants have fresh flowers on the tables and you love that?
remember how someone bought you an entire piece of furniture for your office because she knows how bad pain is and how a place to rest besides being stuck in bed would be so nice?
remember how handsome ethan is and how he doesn't even think you're gross when you're on week three of diarrhea even though that's really gross and everyone would agree?
remember how learning new food is actually fun? and how sweet ethan is about your cooking? and how impressed he is when you take better care of yourself?
remember how you can have SOME sugar, you just can't be crazy sugar lady anymore so everything really will be OK probably?
so yeah, things are bad today. i hurt too much. i somehow have diarrhea and constipation. my neck and head are so heavy with pain i can't keep them up for very long without support. i have a lot that i would just like to complain about. and i would also like to keep listing them so you can feel sorry for me. and maybe have something to be thankful in your day for.
but my life is fantastic. i had a full, rested weekend with friends. and even though i had to fight through a migraine and still act nice in public, i got amazing food and coffee and fellowship out of it.
this is my life. my beautiful, chronic pain filled (for now. see, positive vibes) life.
there is so much to be thankful for.
today you could focus on the bad. the very real, very difficult things about your life and your day.
but i just hope to encourage you to be thankful anyways. seek it out. find it, because it is there. it is better to spend your energy on bright, happy things than a few dark, annoying things. our lives are meant to be lived and lived well. there's no time to be negative. the choice is ours.
and, another bright side; i can still have some sugar sometimes. and when i do, it's in my coffee.
my favorite at please & thank you in louisville, ky.
thank you for ganache lattes and more marshmallows, please.