today we drove home from a wedding weekend. we travel a lot during wedding season so packing up, loading up, grabbing coffees and settling into the car isn't out of the norm. but something was different this morning.
for starters, our AC broke. broke? is that it does when it doesn't work? either way, the air conditioning does not function in our vehicle any longer. and this is very awful when you have to travel 3.5 hours and have migraines. oy vey, you guys. what is the deal with the heat and the AC's hating me? it's still out in our home, too. thankfully we both just decided to have high spirits about it and we started our journey home. it was a gorgeous drive. there was no one on the road. possibly because it was not even 9am yet, and everyone should be sleeping still. so we just cruised. i was surprised because usually after a work weekend we just want to get right home. bathe, beer, load cards, bed. but ethan took us slowly down the winding roads. the sunlight was gorgeous, peering through the trees. until it was just baking us in our car. i said "well, at least the sun is directly on us and this is totally awful" and we both lost it with laughter. we made fun of the situation. but we were really gross. and we both wore jeans.
BECAUSE WE THOUGHT OUR A/C WOULD BE WORKING. help.
anyways. what i got out of today was something beautiful. it's just this; waiting.
now, i am not a patient person. but something has been changing deep inside of me over the last couple of months. it's been strange. i feel like it would be very hard for ethan to ever get to know me. i change every once in a while. but this change has been slowly working it's way in. i'm spending more time alone. i'm less extroverted about every.thing. i still have very many feels but i'm handling them better. maybe it's maturity? one could hope.
so for me, waiting doesn't seem so bad anymore. in fact, it feels sort of awesome. not all the time, of course. but for most of it.
you know that saying that when you ask God for patience he doesn't give you patience, he gives you opportunities to be patient? yeah, i absolutely hated that saying. i felt like jim and pam when they, while going through counseling said that they call things they don't want to do "opportunities". i felt like that. i don't want to be patient to be healed. i don't want to be patient to become a mother. i don't want to be patient to get my house done. i don't want to be patient to take the next step in our business. i don't want to be patient with ethan's schooling.
but here i am, with all these opportunities to be patient. opportunities to wait. how cute of God.
and just now, just this morning, i felt the sweetness of waiting. i think it was a mixture of the slow car ride, windows open, hair everywhere (and not the good, sexy, movie hair blowing in the wind. not that at all), the sweating, the laughing with my husband, physical discomfort, good radio tunes, no cell service, beautiful green trees and pretty sunlight. it just spoke to me. slow down. enjoy this. this wait is good. this part is beautiful, too. it's like a sad beautiful.
there is much goodness in waiting. it is quiet and you have to really dig deep for it. it builds character. and i'm thinking, wow, if i've waited this long for my kids or my health or my business, how sweet will it be for them, for me, for others, when i've patiently, joyfully, thoughtfully waited and prepared and let each thing take it's sweet time to arrive. i'm going to have some good character. well, hopefully. depending on how i spend my waiting.
today i felt joyful to wait with ethan. i kept looking at him in the driver's seat thinking that it's all worth it. i mean, what a perfect gift even being with him is. i'll wait to be a parent with him. i'll wait with him for us to both get healing of our sick bodies. i'll wait and see how this will all work out with nutrition work, school work, wedding photography, editing. let's just wait and see. but while we wait. man, while we wait, a whole lot of beautiful life gets to happen.
i love my life. every single day. i don't always love the way i feel or the work that i have to do. i also might not always spend the day like i really love my life. but i do try to practice getting over myself and l.o.v.i.n.g the heck out of my days. i choose to live in that because while i was waiting with a bad attitude, my life was miserable. and so was my husband's. and i didn't really care about any one but myself. or ourselves. and the world is full of way too many beautiful humans and good, hard work to do to miss out on them because i'm worried about myself.
so when i wait with love, joy and thankfulness, i don't waste any of my moments.
and i wait with purpose.