the blog

the blog

thoughts & musings

God is not slow || confessions & repentance || my life and my song

for home church we have the assignment to read just two chapters of the bible a day. that’s not even hard right? but for some reason everyone is on acts now and i’m in mark. we started in matthew. that means my crew has read four more books than me. yikes. but then i started a new bible study last night and we were given homework. i LOVE homework. and i woke up EXCITED to open my homework and my bible and get to work at my table. i’m failing at home church and winning at bible study. it’s good to have some balance in my life. 

this is already helping me know myself better and if i took the time to print out a month of reading for church and staple it to make it look like homework i would jump out of bed for it. 

so my words today are about deep repentance. deep confession.
so, really light&breezy stuff. 
grab your coffee, friend and let’s settle in. 

good morning! it’s dreary here. wonderfully grey. storm clouds. lovely thunder sounds. the works.
as long as i don’t have to go outside today i’ll be fine. 
it is WET HOT out. that’s the only gross part. i love being indoors on a grey day like this. yesterday was pretty much that same but the ONLY time i was outside was when it POURED down rain. i tried to embrace it and i didn’t even complain that my hair looked awful because BANGS. success. it was the top article in the good news daily. 

i have a lot of editing to do which actually excites me because i know how happy my people will be very soon. and i’ll probably watch some movies and podcasts and listen to ingrid and regina while i work. perks. 

this morning the verse that stuck out to me and just sang right to my weary heart was this, and i’m going to give you a couple versions because i love words and each human will receive something different when they can read different versions : 

2 Peter 3:9 ESV
the Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but everyone come to repentance. 

NLT : the Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. no, he is being patient for your sake. he does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent. 

we read verses about how God wants good for us and then we try to think of what we think is good for us and then question why God is being SO SLOW about those good things we want. 
or just me? am i the only one who does this? probably. so i’ll just tell you about me this morning. 

i do this. i think of the good things that i could do for God or that ethan and i could do for God. but those aren’t the things i’m getting right now. so i do nothing? while i wait to get “what’s mine” ? what does that even mean. what is now is mine. who knows if i'll even have a tomorrow. 

i want to do good with my children. but i can’t get any children right now. both God and my husband are telling me to chill out about the babies. it would even be harmful to my baby if i could conceive on my own right now because of my lyme. and God is actually protecting us from that despair. BECAUSE HE IS GOOD AND SMARTER THAN ME. but i quickly overlook that because SELFISH DESIRE. i only read the part i want of the calling to take care of the widows and the orphans. i just want to get the orphans. but i do nothing for the widows. i miss the nursing home, i love the elderly. but never volunteer there. I WANT A BABY AND I WANT THEM NOW. i want to help the kids. i want to understand how hard adoption is. i want to know why God doesn’t see fit for me to be a mama right now. i don't want the desire if i can't have it fulfilled NOW. i don’t want to dig deeper and repent more or “work on my own character” i just want what i want, dammit. and i reassure myself because it is “good things” that i want. i want to “do God’s work” with these things. but i don’t want to do God’s good work with the things i already have. i know this verse is more about the end times. and that God is waiting on us to change and he’s being patient with us and how rotten we humans are living and behaving in this world. and blaming him about our mess. but it just speaks to my broken heart this morning. God is so patient with me. he already has written a gorgeous story for me. a great tale. one of mystery and love, sorrow and victory, pain and despair and the greatest joy of all time. a truly sweet romance. the story is still good even when i'm reading a bad chapter. he is not impatient with me. he is not slow with his promise. but i am slow to remember that. he is endlessly patient for me and i am annoyed by his delay. 

my confession/repentance today is that i desire my own way for my life over his right now. his is always better and we see that as time goes on but i truly desire to see it now. you know when that friend tells you you need to be thankful because you have it really great and you shouldn't miss out on the now and you’re like yeah whatever i hate you? well, she’s actually right. and you should thank her through your gritted teeth. those are helpful words but they hurt because that’s conviction. we grit our teeth because we don’t want it to be the case. we don't want to be the problem of our own mess. we want to blame and we want to stay in our own rut and feel sorry for ourselves. or again, maybe that's just me. 

another confession : i mostly hate talking about the baby thing. it’s such a mess. women are incredibly sensitive and emotional, i am one. so i know this. it’s not a hurtful thing to say, it’s just truth. we are! but this is my mess. i struggle. like most women. can't we be sisters about it instead of enemies?  i can’t not talk about it. writing it out as i go is part of the working through process. how i share my soul. how i connect with other hurting women. how i find healing because God sends me amazing hearts to help me through. this world is hard on us. and when i listen to the world instead of God i find out the i’m hardly a woman at all if i’ve been married for six years and haven’t had a baby. or three. it’s hard when everyone seems to have a family and we are trying to see the good of our lives and the Kingdom work we can do without kids when people tell me there is no good work but parenting. but God is telling me something else. that my life is to display the Glory of God. and that he can do that however he chooses. despite my opinion about it. because my life is not my own. there is an absolute desire to be a mother in my heart. but i feel that at twenty-six years old, i just need to calm it down a bit. God is not slow like i count slowness. His ways are not my ways. He does know what He is doing i guess. and i’m in better hands when i surrender to Him. what a beautiful promise to cling to. 

more repentance - i will listen to God and His promises and not this world and what they say about who i am or what i should be doing. 

the rain is pouring down now. it sounds sweet on my windows and dripping from the gutters. that probably need cleaned. it's a beautiful sound. a song from heaven.