there's so much magic in this scene for me.
this messy bed of mis-matched fabrics and textures.
where so much love lays.
new surroundings but the same, steady heartbeat of love between us.
married years of almost eight.
the joy that fills my soul when nights are spent up late in each other's arms watching and weeping over the brilliance that is the tv show this is us and then the continuing in conversation until the wee hours of the morning. sharing in life. telling our stories. eager listening ears for our favorite person as they speak at a whisper in the moonlight. truly listening. growing closer in understanding and in married love. crying for each other over the sorrows and hurts experienced. and welcoming laughter over our many many amazing memories and crazy thankfulness to be here, wrapped up in one another.
when i get hit with sweet remembrance i also am found out in my selfishness. the place i've been staying. a gross and lonely place. anger and meanness live there. and i take up residence with them. i feel angry with my work load and i'm upset easily and hurt by others. incredibly sensitive to all things. feeling all the emotions and being controlled by them. it feels dark here and i don't really prefer it but get used to it and it gets easier to stay here. i am in this selfish bubble. trying to defend myself. trying so hard to prove myself. always ready for a fight.
marriage is hard while in this bubble. (so is friendship and all of life)
i'm running on my set and unspoken expectations of my husband. that he can never live up to. for one, he doesn't even know about them and two, they are ridiculous expectations. and the set expectations i give myself that i also never live up to. then there's expectations of friends and strangers and all humans that exist now or have ever existed. so everyone fails me. i fail myself. every day, with this way of living, i am a failure. and so is he. and so is everyone. it's exhausting and i don't think anyone truly loves being here, but we spend a lot of time wrapped up in deep selfishness. and complain about life and marriage and friendships. when really, it all boils down to selfishness. it's not a fun thing to find out about yourself. i certainly don't love this feeling. but it's just true. i just finally realize when i speak and what i choose to be like is an invitation to people. a life or death invitation. which one am i inviting them into with my words and actions? yikes. thankfully, i have gentle, patient friends and a husband who push me to betterment. and when i can finally get myself to a place of facing the selfish monster i've become rather than hiding and shrinking even more into the dark hole i've created for myself, God reveals himself and amazes me. He always shows up. every time. He's always waiting for me to get my head out of my own arse and see Him. meet Him again.
head out of arse for me looks like this :
i see God as the romantic He is. He woos me. with the sweet smelling fall breeze and the sounds of rain on the front porch. the crunch of leaves. in the smile of a stranger. kids laughter. the kindness of my friends. the sweetness of my husband's kiss. in pumpkins as decor and warm soup. especially in the crackling of a fire. He's magic. and He's mystery. He's in music and bird's singing. cat's purring. in books and in storytelling. in moonlight and sunlight. He's forever in all the things, moving and connecting us to Him.
i'm surrounded. i'm invited in. the choice is mine. the attitude is up to me. i've been given the choice and i've lived both ways. which way is better? which way leads to life and more life? and which way leaves me dark and alone and sad? when i move out of my own way i also see that i'm already wanted and cared for and loved and i don't have to place human expectations on myself or others to experience wild love and acceptance. or to give wild love and acceptance freely. i can see others for the talents and gifts they bring to the table instead of sizing them up or placing human-made value systems on them. i can live guilt free and in His presence always.
God met me beautifully this week and especially last night in my marriage.
coming back to a place of slowness and gratitude. speaking the ridiculous expectations out loud and then breaking them down and relinquishing it of its power. receiving the grace and forgiveness from my spouse and moving forward in excitement and walking in that grace. feeling freed up from the control i was trying to take over that was never meant to be mine. and worshiping with sweet music and surrendering to the Lord. i am in awe.
my worship this morning comes from a long time favorite singer, her new album introduced to me by my sister, and i have to share. to invite you in. spend some time in quiet, listening to these lullabies and just be held. by the One who loves us best. i feel like this album will be my soundtrack for all the winter months. i hope they bring you joy and hope and fill up your heart today! i adore every single song. i won't tell you my favorites because i want you to just listen and experience it all on your own. but after you listen, let's talk! let's share what touched our hearts most and why! the joy of togetherness and community.
i love how God has used this woman's voice and talent and work to connect me to Him today.
we all have this power. to connect to good or evil. to give and share life or death. i definitely want to share life and more life. and i want to live in the joyful way.
met goals or not, today can be a success. just accepting the invitation that is today.