and just like that, i’m a mama.
i’m sitting here at my writing desk in a half panic. i get these quick moments where baby is sleeping and i then have to make a decision. do i take a nap? do i work on some photo editing? should i write about our life on the blog? should i read a book? i should probably exercise or whatever. how long will he actually sleep? i can already hear him stirring.
i love writing about our life and i have missed it oh, so much! but it’s been so difficult. a lot has happened and i’ve gone so long without communicating in this way. time goes by and it then gets harder to go back in my head and write what i was thinking then. this is where journaling would come in handy so i could write about it at the time and then share when i’m ready. but i usually don’t work that way. i just come here and spew it all out and then publish. i like my way. but i’d like more time for it.
i’ve been going back through our photos of our life and i really miss how freely i used to share. i see from the types of photos and the lack of photos that i’ve really gone through an emotionally rough year. so much happened and i just stopped sharing. i just bottled up and closed in. i hate that i’ve done that. you know when you follow people’s lives online and you can feel in your heart that something is going on because their sharing has become different? i knew that was happening within myself, obviously because i am the one experiencing it! but i feel like my social community can tell my change, too. i am fighting to get back. it is a fight. much like everything in life that is good. it takes a fight.
i’m currently preparing my heart and mind for a beautiful retreat weekend with a group of women. my cousin and i rented a cabin and invited a small group of girls to come and enjoy some rest during this beautiful fall season. we have no idea what kind of issues these women are bringing with them but we are so excited and eager to share and build community and just be together. i am especially excited about what i get to bring to the table. which is food. cooking together, breaking bread around the table. pouring the wine. sharing the deep stuff. this is where it’s at for me.
my husband and baby get to come with me which is just extra scrumptious. there’s a private bedroom we will get to stay in and i’ll get to nurse when needed and feel so thankful that my husband supports and pushes me to do these types of ministry things. these things that fill me and others up. we will have yoga and meditation. resting and singing. coffee and s’mores. i hope that it is a great soul-filling time for the women.
i love this new season. i remember being super giant miserable pregnant at 41 + weeks with no baby being born in sight and i would tell myself my reward is 1. finding out the gender of this kid and 2. fall is coming. my season. and here we are. it’s a glorious fall, thank you Jesus! my baby loves mornings. my sweet kid is a BOY and he loves taking walks with me and cooing up at the autumn leaves on trees. this is so delightful for me. i’m just overflowing with gratitude.
finding balance. aren’t we all trying to do that?
i read something recently that said there’s nothing in our lives that we don’t allow or make room for. what a good smack in the face. you know i love that! redirection. refocus. what am i making room for? what am i allowing? this helps me take a deep look at what i’m allowing into my life. sure there are stresses/stressors all around me. coming in hot from all sides. but what do i actually allow in? i make my schedule. i decide how i feel about the things. i’m doing my best now to make the smartest decisions. something happens to your brain when you have to make decisions for a baby. and it’s definitely making me smarter! i’m thinking twice, i’m thinking longer before deciding so i can make sure it’s the best choice. sure, i’ll make mistakes. but i’m deeply considering what my choices will mean for me and for my family. if i say yes here, it means no there. if i say no, i am free to then make a yes. it is so hard for me to get out of the habit of making decisions to please all the people and to just focus on my two humans that need me most, ethan and jack truman. i cannot keep making decisions for the outer people. it doesn’t mean i don’t love all the people. but my family, my marriage, myself suffer when i make decisions for the people outside my home first.
everything is done in short segments now. laundry might only be half done. my work will take the time it takes to complete, that’s why we have contracts and agreements, ethan and i squeeze time to look at each other and have married time at random hours like 3am and 7pm. adjusting. making room for what is now. and knowing it’s temporary. there is no “new normal”. it’s all fluid. ever changing, always. i’m embracing this. this season with a newborn changes so rapidly. especially when the newborn is gaining an ounces a day and is already a giant baby toddler. i want to see the beauty in what is now and take these lessons with me as we all grow.