and we're back to our normal program. it's 4am. i cannot sleep. and my life has turned into a never ending episode of What Can I Eat Now? the star of the show is baby burt. cute little lime, craving all the diner food.
i made bacon and egg sandwiches for dinner last night, second dinner for me and now 4am first breakfast. i've woken up three times to eat and five times to pee. i'm officially into pregnancy mode. the other three eating times i tried to stave my cravings off by just eating pecans and dried cranberries. i would eat a handful, prop my pillows up so i didn't get sick from immediately lying down, fall asleep, wake up again with a horrible kink in my neck and repeat. until i couldn't not eat bacon for another second. which is now.
i used to be so holy spirit lead with my writing. i would feel woken up for no other reason than to write. and i would. and it was amazing. of course i'm sometimes misunderstood, but for the most part after i would write something and even years after, God would (and still does) send someone who needed my words and they would be blessed or confused or convicted or healed by my writings and they would come to me with questions or desires for coffee dates or even became my brides because of it! i used to love this connection. i wrote freely, almost always around 2-5 in the morning, which i was sometimes annoyed by, and enjoyed my life to the full.
then some things took place. life got harder. things were messier in my life which meant my writing got wonkier and more sensitive. fear crept in. too many misunderstandings took place at once. i started losing people. i worried my writing hurt people. i found that some people just aren't ready for certain parts of other people's journeys. and that's OK. i'm not always ready for other's stories either. but for too long, i've stopped telling mine. i felt like i lost permission to share my real life.
after my mom died my cousin reminded me with a post she sweetly wrote about her that she always desired to be a writer and a speaker. and how she (my cousin) felt like with the way she lived and the advice she gave and the way she jumped into all the things that we were all passionate about and spoke wisdom into our lives, she kind of did it! in a way she was a writer and a speaker. she lead worship for a million years (she went into labor with me at church camp where she was leading worship!). she taught so many women, so many bible studies. she and dad taught us scripture and so many songs of praise are stuck in my heart because she sang them to me from infancy. she did write and speak into my life. all the years of cards and encouraging words. all the conversations we got to have. the ways she in our adult years stepped into our lives and joined the IF gathering with us, our worship campfires, our praising in the park ideas, she was all in.
my mom wasn't necessarily bold. she was smart, had her opinions and usually voiced them, but she wasn't always as confident or bold as i am to just say the things. a few years ago she said something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. she said she was amazed and envied my confidence. and also wondered where it came from! (probably dad, she concluded) she said she loved watching me as an adult. who i've become. there are parts of me she wished she had had. which is such a cool thing to hear from my mom! i have also gotten into more trouble than mom probably ever did because of my boldness. it's a more fiery way to live for sure but it's a lot of fun. and mom saw beauty in that.
i also heal in my own writing process. i have found myself in a mess of unfigured out things. unsettled emotions. horrible itchy anxiety about some relationships. losing sleep. feeling unsettled in my career and almost all of the ares of my life.
i used to write this out, to you, to nobody, to myself. it was my way to get through the things, and i got better on the other side. each time. but then i stopped. so my way of dealing stopped, too.
then we changed our life drastically, left our home and moved in with our best friends.
then we stopped making as much money.
then we found out just how hard it is to add more people to a company.
then people i love died.
then i got more migraines.
then the happiest thing ever happened and ethan and i got pregnant!
then i keep getting violently ill.
i find myself in a season of wanting.
wanting more privacy.
wanting less freaking beastly migraines.
wanting a healthy pregnancy.
wanting someone else to deal with all the mom things and house things and will things and horrible things we have to do because we lost mom and dad within two years of each other.
wanting less chronic pain and disease.
wanting better sleep.
wanting a two week vacation on the beach.
wanting to not have to wake up every hour to pee or eat.
wanting someone to figure out my studio for me.
wanting more work to magically appear for burtco.
wanting less struggle.
wanting to be left alone.
when i hear about others struggling with these wants it's easier to point out and offer suggestions. right? it's always easier to just tell someone else what they need to do. "you know what your problem is!?" ha!
i'm great at advice with my friend j. she'll tell you! i'm great at her life. but i'm not always great at just freaking doing the hard things myself. because i don't wanna. *pout*
i'm not saying this is cute. i'm not looking for pity. i kept telling myself it's just a season.
and maybe to some extent it is. it's OK to shut off for a while and just catch your breath. and i feel like i have done that. i did back away from all the things. and it was lovely! but now it is to a gross level of self loathing and no motivation and lack of gusto or trying. bad attitudes are probably a signal for change. switch gears, lady! get a new season!
i am comparing this season change to when you read a FANTASTIC book. just, the tops. and then you are in a slump for a few weeks when you can't decide if any book would ever be worth picking up and trying because this book was EVERYTHING.
but then you eventually give another book a try and it's also BEST and you're happy again and books are awesome and life is great.
it's like that.
i had a great season of rest. and i feel myself actually organically needing to come out of that rest and be in a season of production, giving, availability. but HOW. because the resting book was so good. and now i know the productivity book will also be great but also i'm a touch depressed at having to put forth effort to get into this new book.
i think it's my first time actively switching gears. changing seasons. i've always just let the life run me. let the tide and the waves and the people and the things crash around me and when i got a break i would try to catch my breath but always be available for the next wave. there was never a full stop. a full rest.
it's hard to say no. especially as a people pleaser and especially when my list of people i LOVE AND WANT TO BE WITH keeps growing to insane numbers. it's just outrageous. i've never said no for so long and then all of a sudden said yes. i am afraid of the YES now. too many and i'll be crazy bethany again. running myself thin, working with other people's schedules and needs and wants to be with me and never considering my own life or job or schedule or needs or family. GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT, girl. it'll be hard to balance. but i feel more ready now that i've rested. i hope i can hear that still small voice say enough. rest for a day. i don't have to go into a full season of rest each time i need air now. i can be in a season of productivity and also find rest. hello, lovely sabbath. which comes beautifully every week. i don't have to wait long.
i hope to write again. like this. i feel brilliantly free.
something about it being almost 5am with the quiet, still night time feeling and only the sound of ethan sleeping and the click of my keyboard does that to me.
last night i decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and read from the best person i could think of, helen keller. i'm so thankful she decided to write the story of her life. what a blessing her life has been to me and so many.
and something she said in my reading last night reminded me of exactly what i love about bouncing back from a selfish phase. perfectly timed help. i love writing/reading. connecting in friendship over her wisdom.
"but i soon recover my buoyancy and laugh the discontent out of my heart. for, after all, every one who wishes to gain true knowledge must climb the Hill Difficulty alone, and since there is no royal road to the summit, i must zigzag it in my own way. i slip back many times, i fall, i stand still, i run against the edge of hidden obstacles, i lose my temper and find it again and keep it better. i trudge on, i gain a little, i feel encouraged, i get more eager and climb higher and begin to see the widening horizon. every struggle is a victory. one more effort and i reach the luminous cloud, the blue depths of the sky, the uplands of my desire"