"you should write all of this. don't publish it yet, but have it ready. it'll be good for you to experience and good to post later" - ethan burt. january 6, 2018. the day the lines turned blue.
i never want to forget the emotions of today.
it was morning. ethan was still sleeping.
i had been sick for about two weeks at this point. i got something at christmas and the weekend following we had a double header wedding weekend. one in kentucky and one in illinois. we loved both couples so we couldn't say no but it was really stupid. we were so miserable and tired and i was sick. i had a fever of over 100 (i was living around 101.5/102 for four days) and i was useless. ethan had to do everything and take care of me. i didn't even pack enough clothes for myself. i had to wear his underwear. thankfully he packed extra for himself. i was just not myself. not thinking. i was sniffling and feeling awful that i was going to make everyone sick at each reception probably. an amazing man named rodney with a servant's heart at the second wedding kept bringing me hot tea refills. he was amazing. our couples were so sweet to us and extra kind to me and my sick face. so after that weekend we came home. our roommates were also experiencing some of the sickness by this point. they also got it from christmas gatherings. no one is safe. everyone was getting better each day except me. but my symptoms went from sinus pain, air hunger, fever and aches to intense nausea and super charged cravings and heavy emotions like feeling depressed and not wanting to get up in the mornings. nothing sounded good and then all of a sudden i was starving and only wanted amy's organic veggie soup. of course i didn't think of that when we were out. and my sweet best friend/roomie offered to make me homemade soup but that's all i wanted was the canned stuff. and ethan was kind enough to go get some. i also had two pints of dairy-free ice cream within a week. usually we allow one pint a month and sometimes we don't even end up doing that. still most of this is normal for me. i have lyme disease and sometimes have very weird and random cravings and symptoms. i even have been late on periods, thought i was pregnant, took a test, cried and then started the next day several times just because lyme is weird and makes my body weird. also sometimes very stressful months can cause my period to be way late. so, still i was not thinking much about it. just really upset at the longevity of these weird, newer symptoms.
i kept feeling like maybe i was pregnant around christmas and new years. my sister told us about their new baby (ahhh!!!! oh, yay!) at christmas and i really wanted to be like ME, TOO, MAYBE. COULD BE! wouldn't that be cool!?!)
i missed my period around the 20th which isn't super uncommon, again, but for the last year i have been very regular. so when it was the 26th and still no sign of period but definitely having body symptoms i started to secretly wonder and hopefully wait.
i told ethan as i have before.. maybe i'm pregnant. he sighed sweetly and said probably not, love.
this didn't upset me. at all. i know how much he loves me and in what way he meant his words. but something really made me think maybe this time he's really wrong. and how beautiful it will be to let him know this time it's actually a pregnancy. he will be so happy to be wrong.
a few more days pass and i am just in turmoil in my brain. do i take a test? do i risk it being negative and feeling that awful feeling again? do i tell anyone? who would i talk to? once i tell someone it'll be negative and i'll be the fool again.
we went to menards. it was a friday. i am struggling to stand and walk around. all the smells of the warehouse building and items inside start to make my lips curl up. ethan is with the guy who has been helping us fix our impossible photography studio space and i'm trying to find a place to throw up. i decide to text my doula/midwife friend. i tell her all my fears. and this is only the fears if i am not pregnant. there are so many to come if i actually am. i tell her how i don't want to buy another test. also, i'm never not with ethan and he may not believe it's time to take one so how foolish i'll feel if i bring up the convo and he doesn't want to take one. then i remembered my roommate has pregnancy tests in our upstairs bathroom. maybe i could use one of hers. but if i ask her then she'll be waiting on my answer and i'm so not ready to deal with the emotion of another nevermind-negative. midwife babe friend tells me to get one from the dollar store and take it. and she'll help me through the process. she is unconditionally loving and i'm so thankful for her in my life. i still don't feel like i'll take a test. i tell her i'll just wait and pray i get huge. she tells me i'm a amazing. i almost cry.
i meet back up with ethan. it's so hard to not just spew all my thoughts and also everything in my stomach currently right there in the nuts and bolts section.
i just stare at him. he smiles at me.
he looks ridiculously handsome today. i totally want to have his baby.
we head back to the studio and of course nothing worked out (that's been a theme), so we grab pizza for dinner and head home to watch the crown. our roommates are out celebrating their five year in their favorite city. we let little daisy (their dog-o) snuggle with us in bed. we are softies. then she pooped under a chair the next day just to remind me she's still boss.
saturday. back to this morning. i wake up super depressed feeling. again.
finally make my way out of bed around nine. ethan was having a rough lyme morning so he was in bed until around eleven (some days ethan feels really "pulled-down" it is awful to watch. he feels awful that he can't just wake up. some days are better than others but when he's on more lyme kill, it's nearly impossible for him to get up). i was in the turmoil again about taking a test or not. i was trying to just enjoy a saturday off but i was so uncomfortable. being in chronic pain with lyme i'm already uncomfortable but this was worse. i was so angry that normal people can just lay or sit in a position with a book and a blanket and just read it. but i was moving around and uneasy and nauseous and hungry but so incapable of making myself anything. i ate a banana and that helped. read two chapters. felt worse. grabbed almond flour crackers which are my favorite and then felt blah. i crawled over to the other couch, and sat on the floor with upper body on the couch cushion using my arm as a pillow. and waited. am i crazy? am i pregnant? should i just take the test? ethan woke up. came down and sat by me. he held my hand and told me how rough he was feeling this morning. that pulled-down feeling and he was sorry he wasn't up earlier to help me.
he asked if i wanted bulletproof coffee. which i really didn't but i said ok, sure.
then, while he was making it i decided it would just be better either way to take the test today. if i am, well. wow. and if i'm not, he's with me. we can handle it together. i have to know now.
i listened in the kitchen, knowing very well all the sounds of making the coffee and determined i had just enough time to pee on the stick and wait for the results. i've taken enough pregnancy tests to not have to read the instructions anymore. the test box had one more left and i already decided i would replace the box and apologize later. i silent prayed and peed and as soon as i placed the cap on, the first line was turning blue already. the second one was coming in but very faded. i was worried that would mean i wasn't but i kept looking and reading the guide and it looked like the first circle is the most important. and i have very much seen an empty first circle many many times before. never before a first blue line appearance.
i immediately cried. but also it all felt so unreal that i could be experiencing a positive test. i was was just like WHAT THO? HOW! GOD? AMAZING. REALLY? AHHH!
i thought of all the cute ways to tell your husband you're pregnant and how to quickly become adorable but instead i just cry-called loudly for ethan to come to me upstairs. i always startle him and sometimes it's just because of something cute or cat sleeping in some adorable way or i just wanted to tell him a funny or an idea. but also sometimes it's because i'm so ungraceful and i've fallen or stubbed my toe or hurt myself somehow and need immediate husband help. he is used to this but still is always in slight panic mode to get to me. so he was in mild panic mode and then as he came up the stairs he say me holding my mouth with tears in my eyes. he said, kind of sighing and out of breath, "did cat just do something cute?" and then searched my face .. "or what happened??"
i told him "i really thought i might be pregnant, you know??" and then he was like "what do you mean!" he looked worried and so curious. he looked very serious. i just kept saying "i really think i'm pregnant!" he looked around me at into the bathroom, searching.
we walked into the bathroom together and i just gave him the pee stick.
still serious. looking at me, looking at the pee stick, he asked for the instructions. i forgot he hasn't read a ton of these! i handed the paper to him and he looked puzzled. then happy. then worried some more. i knew he wanted to be elated but also we are very aware of my disease, and the issues pregnancy may cause. and has caused for others. but also wanted to be so happy. he said "but what about the faded line?" so i told him i could text our midwife and see what she says. so we immediately went downstairs, both holding back happy tears, and texted. i sent her a picture so she would know exactly what we are dealing with. she said "ommmggeeee bethany!!! this means you're pregnant!!" i told ethan and me gushed with joy. and tears. we asked so many questions, ethan immediately made me take a multi vitamin, and tried to do the math of how far along we are. between five and seven weeks. WHAT!? WE ARE PREGNANT!!
ethan was very cautious. sweetly.
he said he wanted to be elated. but also, didn't want to get to far ahead of himself. i told him i understand. i am not even thinking farther than this very day. he said that made him feel better. he kept looking at me with serious, deep, ethan burt intensity eyes. i knew he was already seeing two options. devastation and heartbreak or the happiest little joy of our lives. and i know it, too. i feel it very much. he worried that i was already seeing this kid as a 5 year old and 19 year old and we just don't know. and he knows the pain of loss so well. he said he felt the worst loss of all 18 years ago and lost the rest of his sentence in tears. i know. but this time i'm here. and he didn't have me last time. and we are in this together. and he told me now we prove what we believe. that this doesn't make God good, God is good no matter what happens to this baby. at any time. agreed. but also, in this very moment, we are pregnant. there is a baby in there. life. and that we can celebrate. and oh, did we. the sweetest exchanges. the best i've ever felt in my heart since after falling in love with him for the very first time.
he cried thinking about telling his dad. we can't wait to tell our mentors.
i cannot wait to tell my mama!
we can't believe this is real right now.
i haven't even wanted coffee. that should have been a sign!
i don't know what tomorrow holds. but today i'm thankful for this little baby we got to create!