written at eight weeks pregnant
ethan burt knew he wanted to marry me within a day of meeting me.
probably just hours. here's a list of a few things he was feeling that night :
1. i terrified him.
2. he didn't immediately want to sleep with me.
3. he immediately wanted me to have his babies. he wanted a woman like me as a mother of children, especially his.
4. i helped him meet God without once saying a bible verse, Jesus's name, or anything about salvation in our first hundred hour conversation in his car.
5. he thought i was the most beautiful human he'd ever seen.
i think it's hilarious that i terrified him because he can be intimidating.
he's very intense. he looks intense, has intense feelings, shocks people with his intense conversation. and yet i terrified him! he didn't know what to make of me. he couldn't immediately figure me out like he can with most people so i was very interesting. and also, he totally had the hots for me so he was freaking out. which is totally adorable. he still hates that he was wearing his office max uniform that night. and i was thankful i changed out of sweatpants at the last minute and put on real clothes.
the sex thing.
ethan and i were very different when it came to this topic.
we had very (read; VERY) different life stories leading up to our meeting at 20 years of age. my ideas of sex and marriage were what you'd call "wholesome" or "after school special" but also deeply romantic as he would find out later i believed that sex would be great between a husband and wife no matter what because God makes it so. not because of "trying someone on" to see if you're compatible or "mixing it up" so you know what you like. he believed differently and had other partners. which was a difficult truth for me in the beginning. but quickly faded as God healed and grew us together. and, i was right. it's always worked beautifully, i've never felt like i'm missing anything, and he finally feels like he's purely having the perfect intimate life.
the baby thing. he's wanted kids since he was a kid himself. he's always thought most about becoming a husband and father. the very first poem he wrote me talked about me looking out the window holding our baby while the baby gazes at me and laughs joyfully. the years of not being able to give him a baby sometimes broke me thinking about and rereading that poem. but also brought me so much joy knowing that he's enjoyed every day of our married life together no matter what we get in this life. he is the best.
the God thing.
God is so good. so clever. so loving. he loves to connect us to Him through each other. i have seen it so many times and now experienced it so many times that i could not believe any other way. God was working on ethan's heart for many years and i am just amazed and thankful that i get to be a part of his journey. all of ethan's hold ups and angers and fears were swept away as we talked and got to know each other and God poured so much love into that car and our conversation that night. it softed ethan's heart and just days later he was a complete goner. he was woken up in the middle of the night and punched out cold with full forgiveness. i wished i was there to experience his experience but it was all his with God alone. it's now part of his testimony that he gets to share with others and i get to hear over and over again.
the beauty thing.
i don't think there's anyone else in the world as attracted to each other as ethan burt and i are to each other. heart eyes for dayz.
last night we enjoyed one of the best nights. we brought dinner over to our friends who are remodeling their new home and are also 30 weeks pregnant with their first baby! they were elated at our news of being 8 weeks pregnant! and we spent the night snacking together after a full dinner and relaxing on their amazing couches talking about raising these babies. what i loved most was their openness and questions. their willingness and hunger for community with us. none of us have these things figured out but we are all better together and it was so refreshing to hear their take on discipline, love, and building character in these tiny humans. we told stories of our childhoods and encouraged each other. they also were reassuring that even at 30 weeks, they worry. at 8 weeks, we haven't heard the heartbeat, i haven't felt anything baby like inside, just a little growth and a lot of insane-lady symptoms. she was helpful with ideas for maternity clothes. they were both sweet-eyed about the excitement of their sweet baby girl coming so soon. they are some of the most easy-going, genuine, kind, welcoming and warm souls. definitely people we want to keep being around.
and ethan talked about how i will be the perfect mother.
he's been doing this for years. way before the news of this pregnancy.
i'm getting more used to it. now i just eat my snack, let him go on and wait for him to be done. and try to remain humble. ha! i mean, he's ridiculous. he says if i had lived in a different time and maybe suffered a little harder i would definitely be a saint. he cracks me up and i love him and his outrageous love for me.
they asked how we both feel about each other and parenting together.
i wished later that i had answered and asked them the same. ethan answered with sweet words about how he's so excited to watch me mother. reflecting on that conversation and allowing myself to ask the question what am i most looking forward to him teaching our kids? made me think of qualities. ethan mostly mentioned my character. and the qualities that i have which will translate into building up a great kid. i immediately thought of the fruits of the spirit. the ones that come naturally to ethan are not the ones that come naturally to me. i may have more of the fruits of the spirit at one time, but he has the amazing ones. like the ones that i think are the most hard to come by. longsuffering, faithfulness, self-control, patience. he is the most enduring soul. he is the most faithful to me. he suffers the most joyfully - the best example i have. i lack self-control like mad. i don't even try sometimes to pretend to have it. i just let myself be the weak one and get the extra donuts. but he has incredible self-control. he is very loving and incredibly disciplined. he keeps a tight rein on his vices. he allows himself to be upfront about them, very upfront when he's currently struggling, and spends most of his days conquering the vice/sin/selfish desire because his eye is on this Prize.
i might more easily feel or express or show other's love, joy and peace. but i lack the meaty fruits. i am incredibly thrilled for him to father our baby. they will grow up to see a strong, fruitful tree. their father will bear all for them. and show them how to become strong in their love for God and become very fruitful. i desire for them to follow his lead. i'll have the easy job with sweet joy, calming peaceful presence, and loving people. but their father will truly be teaching them the fruits that will see them through the hardest moments of their life. and will strengthen them to depend on the God ethan depends on and looks to to gather his character fruits. he will also be in charge of teaching them math.
i know ethan is already prepared and ready to lose this baby. and i know exactly how good he'll be at weathering the sorrow. and seeing me through it, too.
in my head i know the possibility. i'm worried about my emotional state and physical state if we do. we are thankful for each pregnant day. and that's enough for now. we can't expect anything more.
i really don't want him to lose another loved one. the pain he has endured is just too much. but we will do as God sees fit for our lives. and we will know he is good, not because this baby lives or dies, but because time and time again he has proven to be good and is always the answer.
we already decided we would remain a husband and wife who are having a baby.
not a wife who finally gets herself a baby and becomes a mother. not a husband who may finally have a son to carry on the burt name. we want to not lose each other in the hopes and dreams a child can bring. he sweetly pleaded with me to stay with him, as in remain very present and husband and wife first and not emotionally leave him because of my personal sorrow or joy, but to remain one, as we have been one for many year before children. and whatever comes our way, we will handle together. this was our conversation on the very day we found out about this wee burt. after the happy tears. we talked and talked. and vowed to each other.
at this point i'm finding it very hard to not share the news.
a lot of my close friends still don't know, and neither do our families.
we want to hear the heartbeat. we want to get a little further along before more and more people know. we are setting back up plans in order for our weddings during that baby-due time before announcing so our couples don't freak out in panic. it's sweet having this secret but also very hard since i love instagram and daily picture journaling on it. sharing life with so many awesome people online.
we are making plans now to share with our families in the coming weeks. as soon as they know it'll probably go quickly with the posting and the sharing. i have so many people i feel i need to share in person but it'll probably happen at the touch of the fingertips, sharing a belly photo and excited emojis because i can't possibly see in person all the people. especially with this ridiculous exhaustion.
we are just assuming everything's fine unless we feel/hear otherwise. we will see our midwife at 10 weeks and hopefully hear a heart beat. we are telling our mentors this weekend. they are also pregnant, but with twins! and she's 35 weeks. and has 4 other kiddos! they are welcoming us into their home for the weekend and we are going to tell them and ask for a blessing.
they blessed us getting married and we would be tearfully thankful for another moment of our lives like that, but this time for our sweet little one. a staple in our memory and we've looked forward to sharing the news with them as soon as we found out. we were going to visit the day after hearing the heartbeat but with their babies due so soon we needed to push the visit one week sooner in hopes of no labor, and time to see them for a few days before their lives get even more covered in sweetness and spit-up.
these are the days.
i'm amazed each morning and it's all feeling like a happy dream.