still waiting on little one's arrival. struggling in the wait because of all the pregnancy discomforts. we are beyond 40 weeks so it FEELS like baby should just be here already. also, if more friends give birth before me who were due after me, i might lose my freaking mind. but, it's fine. happy for them and whatever.
yesterday morning over coffee in our orange and green chairs by the window, ethan read us romans 8. he read out of the kingdom new testament by nt. wright and it was a beautiful experience. we talked for a good hour after that, having fruitful discussion. ethan has been leading us in new ways and it's been magical in our home. i'll share more about this in blogs to come!
so then last night when i couldn't sleep i decided to just read romans 8 again but out of the message bible because it's small enough to read in bed comfortably and it was the closest thing i could reach from bed. i love the punchy-ness the msg version sometimes gives. it's so simple and straight forward and sometimes just what i need when trying to understand or have a realization with or about God. so last night what was perfectly punchy for my face ..... :
22-25 All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s withinus. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.
26-28 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
OK. GOT IT, GOD. THANKS A BUNCH. LOUD AND CLEAR.
ethan could feel me stirring and sweetly checked on me. i told him, oh it's fine. God just punched me in the face. listen to what i just read.. read it to him and then, this is the real, unedited words he shared :
ethan, in a fancy, holy-voice : "and then God said, do shut up, you ungrateful little twat" and bethany said, "ah-men" laughing emojis. roll eye emojis.
so, we wait. and this waiting will not go wasted. it is difficult, yes. it is so hard in today's world especially when everyone gets induced early for various reasons or get scared that baby is "cooking too long" or whathaveyou. i don't have any idea what the plan is for this little life or our birth story, just yet. i didn't know how much i would need/have to defend my birth plan. i didn't know how unsupported i would feel and need to cling to my few helpful supporters and health care professionals. i feel weak and tired in that.
i have worries. i get anxiety. we keep telling baby to just come out already. we joke that baby is just waiting for september because baby knows it's mama's favorite season starter month and also birthday month. outside voices are becoming more and more unwelcome as we navigate our own story and it doesn't line up or match theirs. voices voicing their worries about our home birth plans and beg us to just go to the hospital to get the baby out. it's a lot. home or hospital. early or late. no one can predict or know for certain anything about anyone's life. we can all just guess. it's magic and mystery, this life. and every bit of it is God's. i believe He is working all things together for my good because i love Him.
i have to practice trust and obedience in this waiting. and oh, how we've waited for this pregnancy. how we've dreamed and cried and prayed and not understood but waited and trusted. and now, years later, beautifully full of baby life, we just have to wait a little while longer.
and the more joyful our expectancy.