oh, our baby boy is six months old! plus a little extra by the time i’m writing this.
HE IS SO CUTE IT HURTS ME.
his favorite things right now are sitting up on his own. ALWAYS sticking his tongue out. he loves smiling and blowing bubbles, always with his tongue out. we have no idea where that came from but we love it endlessly.
his ears can never be contained by hats, no matter how hard we try. it’s actually the best thing ever. and he loves our song “jack truman burt is the best burt” we made it up, we sing it several times a day, and each time he scoots and dances and laughs and smiles.
he just started eating his toes. everything goes into his mouth and then he wants to share by putting it into our mouths. we started foods this month. he is liking it but i think he just wants to eat what we eat. we want to find a good liver source and feed him egg yolks and chicken liver. i want to make his own food but i’ve been dealing with a lot of grief and anxiety and stressing myself out to the absolute max that buying organic cans of food has been our go-to for now. i hope to begin making his food next month. hashtag goals.
he is now refusing a bottle which is very frustrating for this mama. i’m nursing him still which is magical and so easy now, praise God! but we start wedding season in just a couple of weeks and i will need him to eat for the nanny!
i’m finding out that jack is completely my son. he makes things as hard as possible to go through, just like his mama. i feel sorry for him to be like me in this way and i also feel very frustrated. we are having a rough go at some things and it’s hard to experience but probably necessary for one reason or another. i saw my doctor this week and she highly recommends me seeing a counselor. i’m not sure i’ve been processing the death’s of my parents and new mama-hood all that well on my own. i’m positive counseling will help and i look forward to seeing someone. finding someone is a challenge but i’m making calls and beginning the journey.
ethan takes care of the loneliest parts for us. he keeps watch all night long for me and for jack and then he brings jack to me to nurse when it’s time. after nine years together i am still amazed that i fall more in love with ethan every single year, sometimes several times a year. but there is a new deepness to this married love when my husband keeps watch over night. the darkest, scariest parts of my evening are covered in love because of him. and yet, due to anxiety and just plain being me, i can only sleep from about 8:30pm until the first nursing which is usually around 12 or 1am. after that i toss and turn and think and think i hear jack screaming or hear him kicking his legs in his crib. or i think about how hard the daytime is when he won’t nap, and all of my bones hurt, and my head is getting worse, and i tension in my neck is creeping up. i just twist and turn and plop around and feel sick and it’s this horrible loop i’ve got myself in. i realize i’m living the dream with this husband of mine, caring tenderly for me and our son, and something in me ruins it. it’s stupid and painful to experience.
i’m actually amazed at jack’s beauty. like, how is his skin SO creamy and magical? and his perfect dimply hands. and beautiful lips. and incredible eyes that are so intense and strong and gorgeous. i’m absolutely in love with this little creature. being given such a gift and also needing to let go of so much control is the hardest thing i’ve ever done. he was created by God and given to me for a time, a time that i do not have the power to control the duration. a baby i love and adore that i have to leave for ten hours every saturday and somehow be present for work and for our couples, while he may still not take a bottle or sleep for our caregiver. HOW?! i keep lamenting that if i could just leave him with my mom, all would be well. she was made to be a grandma. and ethan’s been missing my dad and how crazy fun he’d be with our boy. the laughter would just be outrageous.
all of the emotions that have ever been felt are felt daily in this new chapter of parenthood.
beautiful baby boy is sleeping now and i’m watching in amazement on the monitor.
who knows what kind of day today will be. but i will do my best to take care of myself,
and take every gifted moment slow.