today is my first memory of needing my child’s forgiveness. i wanted to make banana bread and do all the laundry. but little boy had other plans. he needed to be held, talked to, soothed. he is sweet and smells delicious and i am learning his needs. but i was selfish. i needed to bake. i needed to clean. but really, i didn’t. i wanted. i thought i needed but a perfect gift in front of me is all i needed to pay attention to.
i felt the most frustrated because even when i tried to play or soothe or rock or nurse, he still didn’t seem content. he was fussy and fighting. i felt inadequate. which made me more upset. i was short with him and felt myself getting heated.
i had a decision to make. continue down or make a change. i needed a moment in prayer. i needed to confess to jack. it started younger than i thought! and i wrote to him in his notebook how sorry i am that he will have to learn so much forgiveness with me. i should teach him, and i will. but i wanted mostly to teach him to forgive others. he will learn it best though, as he has to forgive his own mama.
i am wonderfully humbled this morning. and i am thankful for the opportunity to pause. guess what? the banana bread is in the oven. one load of laundry is done. the hours are long even though the days are short. i can still find time for both, most days.
after fighting him to sleep, he slumbers.
he is beautiful.
he is my joy.
i am learning.