i am in a bad mood.
i woke up at five am, again.
after a long night of being up to pee more than i slept.
i don't want to wake up and have to eat, again.
i don't want anything but ice cold water but it makes me pee more.
i already feel like a bad mother because at this point my baby will only want to eat pop tarts and hot dogs and cookies and pizza. i know i should be better, but i don't make the best decisions at two in the morning.
i feel like everything i've ever complained about ever before in my life should have been saved up for these moments. because they are worse. and i want to have a pity party. and a pizza party.
hello, third trimester.
over all i am still absolutely loving this whole process. clearly it sounds like i'm just negative and complaining. because that's what those first few sentences were describing.
but i do love it so much. and i still want it. it feels so sweet, so sacred, so special. so undeserved.
what's hard is the day that follows these nights and the canceling things to nap or stay home or stay inside because this heat is horrible x's one million. migraines come easy. chronic pain + pregnancy pain is a lot. weddings every single weekend + engagement sessions and a full week of editing and album designing and email answering and meetings. i work full time and still love my job but the extras are getting cut right now. even if it's something i really wanted to go to/do. and i hate the guilt. and fear of missing out. and feeling bad for loving my little home life with just ethan. it's the best and worst to still have the best life ever after canceling on people i love. i still get to stay home or go out with just my best bud and care giver. guilt on guilt on guilt.
ethan put up a kiddy pool in our back yard. oh, he even got sick this week, too. what's worse than being sick in the summer?! you can't eat soup, you're just stuck and miserable. and i haven't wanted to take care of him because i want to be taken care of. but he labored hard for me and he put up this pool and set us up a "beach day" in the back yard. i could've cried. we grilled hot dogs and drank our new favorite diy electrolyte water and just sat in the pool for a couple of hours. poor irish husband. he was burning quickly while i just turned brown. he sat in the shade and i sat in the sun. and we just enjoyed the water and each other's company. he cracked me up when he shouted "pool party" because it's just the two of us in a kid's pool splashing around like dorks.
he asked me how fast or slow i've felt this pregnancy has gone. i talked for a long time.
then i asked him as i have before, how this pregnancy is going for him. he said great, which he does with a cute and sympathetic smile. he said it's felt just as long as it has actually been. he has wanted to enjoy every moment with a pregnant wife. not wishing away the nine/ten months to get to the baby. he would miss out on those months with his wife and pregnancy if he just let himself dive into the future of having a kid. he's been so patient. he's wanted to be a papa for what feels like a very long time. but he's so good at being patient. i learn so much from him.
he's so kind and verbal about things i'm doing well and he blessed me with praise and encouragement on how i've not let go of sight during this pregnancy. i haven't gotten lost in the excitement of motherhood and i've not made him feel less than as a husband or like he's going to take second place when baby comes. which is a huge growth moment for me because if you remember reading my heart via this blog years ago i wanted a baby more than i wanted him, hurting our marriage deeply.
we are living this pregnancy out just as fully as we possibly can.
we don't know if we are having a boy or a girl and i love that more than i can say.
it is hard, sure. especially with outside pressures. but when i am home and reminded with him, we know we love this mystery more than anything. it's not good for us to slip into daydreams and future plans. only God can know what's coming. so we just take it day by day, moment by moment, hour by hour. singing praises and giving thanks for what has been given.
i have to remember to sleep during the day when i can. i usually crash a few times a day but have been pushing through to work or hang out or grocery shop or whatever. but i am reminded yet again after a horrible nights sleep that i need to cherish precious zzz's when i can get them. so i hope to take that into next week with me. this has not been my week. it's been a long time since i've had this many days in a row consistently awful. i will take that as a huge victory!
i don't think i'm actually coming to terms yet with how much will need to and just be forced to change. ready or not. people pleaser or not. some things will have to go for a time. i am social, i am extrovert. about to become hold up in a charming home that i do love but easily get cabin fever, with the end weeks of this pregnancy into the needy newborn stage. all while still shooting weddings and being in full work season. timing, huh? mystery.
i think some of these weeks and new things will be wonky. mostly for me. ethan's already ready and settled and chill and just perfect. he's always been perfect.
i've got some crazy to rein in. mostly these insane emotions! i've got to sift through what's true and what's real and what is just worry or unnecessary guilt.
and i think i'm ready for a nap now. zzz