made to crave. painful, beautiful truth

things i've been craving lately, more than craving God :
forever 21 clothes
the house appearing nicer for this friends, family, guests of any kind
iphone case
food
food
food
acceptance
cosmetics
my appearance
my work
my husband

basically comforts of this world. you name it, i've been putting it before God.  but food is the hardest for me. right now.

it might not look like it because i'm a skinny minny but i have an issue with food. i put it higher than loving and serving and inviting God into my heart. i feel like Eve. the food looks good, it looks like it'd be a great idea to have, only to find out that it's rotten and provides only emptiness and much darkness to my soul. but when craving Christ, we are filled with the light and can shine even in the darkest hour.

food makes me sick. literally. i suffer from migraines that is partially due to a neck injury but we're also finding it has to do with the food i eat. i grew up eating as i please. grabbing a snickers at the check out, eating mounds of ice cream with chocolate chip cookies crumbled on top and of course on top of that even, chocolate syrup. i eat to express sadness, stress, even joy and happiness. so now that we're changing my diet and i am unable to eat these things i find myself doing well for a while and then surely enough, i'm sneaking chocolate chip cookies or running to mcdonald's for a sweet tea or coffee drink or the gas station for a huge delicious cookie. that only leaves me empty inside and physically ill for days or even weeks.

this past weekend i was in a friend's wedding. it's hardest for me when around friends. and family. going shopping all day, you have to stop and eat somewhere. so i still eat fast food or even "nice" restaurants. they still make me sick all the same. but i do it anyways and then bring the suffering into my home.
in my devotion this morning i finally admitted what i did wrong and why i did it.
i ate doughnuts. then monical's breadsticks and salad. then at the reception i ate a cupcake. okay, two chocolate cupcakes... ridiculously yummy. and wine. (which is another argument altogether) i think three glasses of wine. it was homemade and it was also delicious. i had to eat, right? i was just eating as everyone else. it was a long busy day, i had to find convient foods to eat while we were on the go. literally everyone else eats it. (my favorite line)

that was sunday. this is friday. i am just now starting to feel slight relief. and i do mean slight.
this has been a really awful week. just sick sick sick. can't get out of bed, angered easily and mean to my husband. angry with the world. angry with God. why do i have to feel so much pain? why can't The Healer heal me.  or why won't He? just feeling like i deserve so much. and being a big time jerk. also the temps have been in the high 90's and even hitting 100 so my head is really just about to explode. which might've been a good thing after the way i've been acting!

so i finally kicked my tush out of this slum and started reading God's Word again. phew. all better :)
i am so undeserving and He loves me.
i am so ungrateful and He saves me.
He died for me.
i now wish to know The Healer instead of being focused on my pain being healed.
i am actually grateful for my pain. it's all i know, it really is a part of me and it's a great witnessing tool (when i use it correctly!)

in Matthew 4 Jesus was temped by Satan to turn stones into bread because He was hungry after a fast and because He can, He is Jesus, after all. Jesus fights the temptation by quoting Scripture. "it takes more than bread to stay alive. it takes a steady stream of words from God's mouth"
Jesus was tempted to eat just like Eve was. the difference is where their focus was - what they wanted most of all. Eve's craving made God secondary to her own desires while what mattered most to Jesus was the will of God. even a leget need for food, Jesus was able to overcome His hunger simply by desiring God more.
that's so incredibly beautiful to me.
i can fight food (and other temptations) by desiring God more!

i took this prayer from a book i'm studying:
"God, it's 10am and i'm craving again. i want those snack crackers that are literally screaming my name. but instead of reaching for those crackers, i'm praying. i'll be honest, i don't want to pray. i want those crackers. but instead, i'm going to have a handful of almonds and brick by brick.. prayer by prayer.. lay a path for victory"

so after admitting my recent failures with food and my lack of desire to eat better and lack of desire for God, i've written my own tiny prayer.

God, let me first want to be like You, instead of being accepted and seen as "normal" in this world. Even when all i want is a cookie. Please. Amen