current struggles :: personal story

so my life is awesome. really it is. and i still chose to wreck it. daily. weekly. i'm a mess

  • music
    • sometimes christian music is just too much. it's "too christian" .. which probably makes me a bad christian. i really enjoy pandora. i type an artist and it creates a gorgeous play list for me but i'm wondering if my choice in music is effecting my heart and my decisions throughout the week. i'd like to think that it's innocent and will do no harm but as the weeks are going by and i'm becoming a woman with a hardend heart and a grumpy attitude i am digging for the root cause and i fear my music choice might need to change. 
  • food
    • this past week as been a struggle with my food limitations. i am so thankful that we've found that food is a huge factor in my health. however, sometimes it was just easier to not care and not research my food and just eat. although, really, when i'm bedridden for days or weeks because of that food, i think twice. i'm lazy. that's really what it comes down to. if it takes longer than 10 minutes to prepare, i'm out. no thanks. just give me a bag of chips instead. how ungrateful! we find the cure, (part of the cure) and out of laziness and ungratefulness i decide to continue on eating food that is easier to get ready. also, i'm not thinking of my husband in all of this. i'd like my husband's health to be in good standing and yet because i'm lazy i'm showing him laziness and also not helping when i'm feeding him dinner and it's not good for us. we buy produce just to watch it die in the fridge. last night at a cook out i ate two s'mores and had two glasses of wine. today i'm out-side-my-mind-dizzy and my headache is two points higher. you'd think i'd learn and it'd be so easy to stay away. it's not. i'm tempted, i fall, i feel miserable. and around i go. 
  • being around non-christians
    • i found  myself this week in a group of non-believers and i was talking with a friend who is a believer and when i said Jesus or church or God, you know, the "buzz words" i was softer in my speech. i lowered my voice to only the person i was talking until i was done with my "God talk" then my voice returned to normal (loud is my normal) voice volume. afterwords i feel like such a jerk. i could've witnessed if i just talked my normal voice. someone could've heard me say church or Jesus and the awesome work He's doing in our lives and community and instead i was a coward. totally falling short. always.
  • comparing myself
    • i find myself also struggling this week with comparing my body,hair,face,clothes,brain, you name it - i'm comparing it. because i was feeling zero confidence i brought a fight home to my husband about me not being good enough and other women being more, better, whatever. gosh, it's just junk that satan wants me to believe and boy is he doing a number on me!  this breaks my husband's heart and then we have hours of discussing when we could've spent those hours reading or serving or relaxing together. 
  • business 
    • i have this problem with wanting my photography business to be the biggest deal ever RIGHT NOW. this one is the exhausting one. i tend to make it not fun anymore and just get so caught up in wanting bigger better the best, now. instead of seeking ways to serve those clients and to show them Jesus in all that i do. that is my prayer for my business. not that i make money, not that i do great work, that Jesus is shown through me. through my actions, through my photography. i am working for Him. not myself, not the clients. i work for the Kingdom. and i'm not being a very good employee lately. 
  • babies. ugh the baby thing
    • here's another fun one. to have a baby or to not have a baby. or, in our case, to not know when it will happen for us. this might be a little TMI but it's my blog journel so it's happening. i have always wanted to be a wife and mother. i'm a wife, now make me a mother. (it's that whole "but i want the golden goose now" bit) i know it's not wrong to want to be a mother, or to want to raise a family but it is wrong how much time my heart is giving to this issue and not enough time with relationship in Christ. and secondly, my relationship with my husband. my prayer is to always have Christ first, husband second and kids after that but that's hard enough to do when you have kids, i'm putting my unborn children before husband now. yikes. i always thought you get married, you do what married people do, and boom-baby. but it's not happening that way for me and i'm choosing to get anxious and angry and worried and upset about it instead of embracing the life Christ has blessed me with now. my husband, my youth, my progress in my health - all good things. my prayer is to give all my anxieties to Him and forget my emotions/feelings because i'm just creating a mess and really not helping my headaches or my marriage!
  • relaxing and trusting God 
    • "trust and obey for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, is to trust and obey" i'm going to meditate on this song for the week. and i know my heart will overwhelm with peace. 
  • resting 
    • allow God to show me rest. i'm so tired when i carry all this junk with me. 
  • being a wife 
    • when you're being really selfish, it's hard to be a good wife. this week my wife grade would definitely be a D if not an F. i'm being me, me, me, me, me all day every day, i have no room for that guy and his needs. it's ugly, folks. my prayer this week is to be intentional as Ethan's wife. meditating on Proverbs 31 and Titus 2. the wife i want to be and the wife my Godly husband deserves.
  • worry worry worry 
    • i just worry. i do. i consume myself in worry. satan loves it and Jesus misses me. Ethan and i quote movies all the time and we were trying to figure out which way the quote really went and i said "do you really want to worry about a silly movie quote" to which he gives me a very honest look and says "do you think you need to tell me about worrying?" he's right. i'm the one that worries about everything. even other people's problems. sure, add it to my sack of worry and i'll take it around my shoulders all week.
  • how to hear God's call 
    • i desire to hear from my Father but if i'm not having that relationship how can i expect Him to talk to me? the only things i'm hearing lately are "my beloved, why aren't you calling to me" "i'm right here and i love you. come back to me" and i'm choosing to drown out His voice with media, shopping, and junk food. my prayer for this week is to get back to my Savior. to thank Him and to delight in His Word both day and night. 
  • tattoos 
    • family struggle. husband loves my skin and wants me to keep it "clean" whereas i'd like to get more tattoos. we're struggling on compromise. we don't disagree. we just really don't so  now that we have something that is really causing us to bump heads it's really hard to figure out what to do. i will respect my husband's wishes but will i do it gracefully and with a joyful heart or will i fight him tooth and nail along the way? 
  • FACEBOOK. oh brother. has it really come to this!?
    • am i really figuring my worth upon how many "likes" i get on facebook? i'm ashamed to say - yes. i have been. if my business page would only reach this many "likes" then i'll look legit and be a big deal. if i get so many comments on facebook then i know that people like me and think well of me. blech. i can't even read this - i'm making myself sick typing it. but it's a real, true struggle in my life right now. 


these are only a few struggles existing right now. wow, reading through i see a girl that really needs to turn her eyes upon Jesus. and that's exactly what i'm going to do. 
church service was excellent as usual. learning about all of life and how is is about Jesus. all of it. not some of it, not and afterthought or an additive to our lives, but we should be completely consumed with Jesus and put Him up as the main display in our lives. but satan does attack and i can see how strongly he's affecting my life. 
i'll be fighting satan pretty hard this week. and will have a better report for next week!
please excuse all my grammar mistakes. ;)