scatterbrain woman thoughts :: personal story



11for the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation for all people, 12 training us to renounce ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in the present age, 13 waiting for our blessed hope, the appearing of the glory of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all lawlessness and to purify for himself a people for his own possession who are zealous for good works. 
15 declare these things; exhort and rebuke with all authority. let know one disregard you. 
    Titus 2:11-15


this spoke to me this morning. i love how beautifully the bible tells us to live. 
it's so plain to see. 
so why do i choose to go days and weeks without reading its goodness? 

because i'm selfish. and i'm worldly. and i put my passions on these things. 

Jesus wants me! how incredible is this!? 
God's Word trains us to live in this world and not be of this world. 
because our Hope in Jesus we get to live full, completely joyful lives!

in suffering and in good times. 
and that's huge. to be joyful. joyful. through suffering. 
that's incredible to me. 

imagine the worst thing that could happen - and to some of you it has happened or is happening - even through that we can have complete joy. because Christ is coming to redeem us. amen! i cling to this. 

Jesus Christ heals my broken heart. 
at church yesterday we learned to have a relationship with the Healer not the healing. 
a dear friend and mentor told the that same thing some time last year and hearing it at church hit me like a ton of bricks. i had embraced this idea for a few months and then of course got selfish again and was back to 
"why do i have to be in so much pain" 
"why me, how can i be a witness if i'm stuck at home in pain all the time" 
what i should be asking is "how can i be a witness for Christ when i'm stuck up my own katookus" 

this is because i'm focusing on the healing that i want/think i need to have instead of focusing my time and energy in getting to know my Healer. and hearing, truly hearing what He wants from my life here.
i want to know my Healer. He's desperately waiting to have me back. 

i can be in the world and not be of this world.
what does that look like to the world? 
how do i be in the world but not of? 
what will my behavior show and my words tell people i am all about?

i struggle sometimes with what my husband and i say is "being a woman" 
it's the "wanting" issue. 

i want the new house
i want the babies (oh, how i want the burt babies)
i want the business to be effortless and successful 
i want the perfect laundry room 
i want to be pain free 
i want my husband to not have to work so hard 
i want the car to never break down
i want to be the perfect Christian (ha!)
i want to please everyone and never offend or miss out on someone's something important
i want to be the perfect friend
i want so much more camera equipment
i want perfect skin 
i want to be a great homeschooling wife/mama 
i want to have a perfect relationship with my in-laws. or even a good one
i want to never have an issue in my marriage
i want to be able to eat ANYTHING i want and not have to research every single thing that goes into my body


these are just a few little looks into my ugliness. 
planning for life or wanting a few things may not be a bad thing by themselves but when i put them in front of my relationship with my Savior, i'm lost. and i'm losing out on so much. 

lately i feel like i'm unable to focus on anything but business, babies and our home. 
we're house hunting and we're both self-employed. i'm allowing myself to create stress instead of letting God take care of it all! 
control is a huge issue. i have to control something at all times. if i let go and let God, i start to get too calm and then i have to create havoc for me to feel normal. isn't that messed up? my poor husband! 


thankfully i'm saved by Grace and God has also blessed me with a very patient husband. 

this week our church body is to meditate on Psalm 100 every single day. 

NKJV - Make a joyful shout to the Lord, all you lands!
serve the Lord with gladness: come before His presence with singing
know that the Lord, He is God; it is He who made us, and not we ourselves;
we are His people and the sheep of His pasture. 
enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise. 
be thankful to Him and bless His name. 
for the Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting, and His truth endures to all generations. 

the Message Bible : Psalm 100:5 
For God is sheer beauty, all-generous in love, loyal always and ever. 

my body isn't my own. my heart isn't my own. this day isn't mine. 
this is the day the Lord has made. let us rejoice and be glad in it!