winning! :: life update
i just feel like i'm winning!
everything is just way up lately.
ethan and i have been really enjoying our time together and these last two days have been absolutely gorgeous, how could we not be bursting with joy!?
today we took a day off. it was mostly going to be a half day but then it kinda turned into a whole day. which i'm okay with.
we went to a pumpkin patch and then to common ground to grocery shop.
it was husband's first time there - i had just gone with a friend and knew he'd be in love.
and sure enough, that man was so giddy it was the cutest thing i'd ever seen.
the coffee was insane and we stocked up on so much good food. i am so so thankful that we are able to fill our kitchen with organic food. my heart is very heavy for all the people who are not able to eat today. i am so very blessed my heart feels like it could explode. i want to be able to feed all of them.
and, i'm thankful for hearing from God.
i was experiencing a lot of hurt from a few relationships in my life and i had been crying/fighting my husband friday and saturday just so upset and unable to stay emotionally stable.
i seriously felt crazy.
like what's wrong with me i can't even control my emotions and i hate the way i feel.
why can't i control other people's hearts to just see that i'm trying to be honest and good and why do people hate me!?
ack!! crazy-land my mind was!
so, sunday at church i just broke.
i was wondering if everyone thought ethan and i had a fight or something because he wasn't there and i was bawling and then i also thought that was a very selfish thought
i had never experienced God like this before.
my heart was so heavy and i was crying about my problems when God invited me in. Really! He invited me in to be with Him and have the hurt taken away.
i'm not kidding, He literally told me to just give it to Him and be still and calm.
usually i think, "i know i should be still and know that He is God" and all that good stuff but it never lands, actually sticking on my heart. but this time- He demanded it of me.
if you know anything about me it's that i am NOT still or calm. ever. it's impossible for me. i try so hard, i really do. i just want to be calm and still. i think about it all the time and just think "oh how nice that must be for calm people" (see how many times i just said "i" ? i try a lot of things but i forget to ask God to try for me because by my silly sinner self, it is impossible"
for me to experience calm and still, i knew. it was God in me.
it was seriously the best thing i've ever experienced.
He was telling me that He can handle all of my hurt and He wants all of that to be out of my mind so that i can focus on Him and how to serve for His Glory.
i have never felt more free in all my life.
the Creator of all. of me, of you. of all, wants to live inside my heart.
this is so hard to explain and i think i'm really doing a terrible job.
but. it was the best kind of awesome. and i feel full. i need to share it!