coffee chat :: a wednesday morning




how about some coffee and a few thoughts? 

I feel like every time I grasp some really awesome things and my life changes in a powerful and beautiful way I'm HIT with some -what I thought were new but were really just waiting to come back out- insecurities to deal with. 

it's like this 

me:  "GREAT! I grew! I feel awesome and like I can take on anything"
insecurity: "oh really? well take THIS. and THAT"
me: "drat"

and now I start all over again with these pesky insecurities. 
however, I have grown and have "mastered" a few of my deep long lasting insecurities so I am better equipped each time to handle the new ones. which is nice. (only because God has mended those things)

So. on to what I'm dealing with now. 
Being an adult and making decisions for our family. Or even just making decisions for myself. 
I sometimes feel selfish and feel like I can't just stand my ground. I can't have a strong opinion because someone else might be right. OR might be hurt by what I've decided.
 Well, they might be. But it's okay to be right in what WE decide as our little Burt family. I don't have to feel bad or apologize for any decision that we've made. 
If we end up making a mistake we can apologize for that but we have to make decisions according to what God is leading us to and not be swayed. 

Well, Ethan's not. I am. 
He's the strongest person I know. He is so bold and so righteous. 
He doesn't make a decision unless he feels like God is okay-ing it for us. 
He's so wise, beyond his years and he helps me endlessly. 
He's exactly right and I am so blessed to be his wife. 

I tend to be a pushover. I feel all confident in our decisions when it's just me and husband in the comfort of our own home and then BAM. In public or around certain people I crumble inside myself and find myself agreeing with whatever they are saying or wanting for my life and then I go home and cry and can't figure out what the heck is wrong with me.
 I DON'T feel this way. 

Why did I just agree to and temporarily change my entire way of thinking for this person. 
??!?! Mess. 
Ethan says I suffer from being "too sweet" but I say it's just stupidity. 

Really it's insecurity and thankfully God is picking me up and mending my tiny broken heart. 

I feel so loved and cared for. 
He wants to take every hurt, every ache away. And He does. He surely does! 

Making decisions and possibly hurting your loved ones is realllly hard to deal with. 
But when I remember I have a Promise and a Hope that is eternal, that makes things of this world, the problems that I have literally slip away from my life and I feel whole again. 

A huge comfort in my life is in Matthew 6:19-21
"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in a steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Where we lay our hearts is so important. I want to lay my heart safely with my Creator. He's the only One who knows what's best for me and for my marriage. 

"We will be safe in His arms" 


broken and joyful,