a heart of worship


i have been crazy sick lately. 
like two straight weeks of just crappy yuckiness. 
visited the er twice. 
once with husband as well because i gave him my flu like a nice, sharing wife. 
and this last time just for me. 
a migraine from beyond the depths of hell, let me tell you. 
we knew this one was bad when i had to ask ethan to take me to the er. 
our er is an hour away because we are not covered here in town. 
(which means our first trip to the er with the flu is not covered. hurray for massive er bills *insert sarcasm here*)

the trip there and back was horrible. 
i just remember wanting everything to be over. 
i kept saying "okay we're almost there" 
and "okay we're almost home"  "it's going to be over" "it will be okay" 
one of the medications made me feel crazy jittery and like a serious mess. 
i had NO control of anything in my body and that drove me bonkers.

anyways, i don't mean to go on and on about the er visit or the pain, the point of this post is that i've realized i need to be in a better state of worship at all times. 

this migraine started on saturday. it was just a typical migraine, not worse than anything i've had before but i had been sick for two straight weeks that now having a migraine on top of this was just UGH. terrible. *whiney baby*

so. i was not joyful! i was angry. i'm talking hulk-like angry, people. 
i was ungrateful and so upset. 
whoa is me kinda pity party at my house. 

i felt like i was thanking God that i'm not puking anymore and i don't have the flu, i just need to get rid of this nasty migraine and i'll be doing great again.
but the pain was so much, so so much, i couldn't feel thankful. 
i just felt down. way down. 
i didn't care about anyone else or anything except that i wanted so desperately to just feel better. 

yesterday we went to church. migraine still super migraine-y.
a group of amazing women took me into the prayer room and they prayed over me. 
i could feel their hearts just pouring out to me and to our Father. 
He surely hears our cries. and He joins with us in our times of sorrow. 
that afternoon i was just getting worse and worse. 
i called out for ethan and he of course ran to my side. 
i ask if he'd take me to the er and off we went. 

in times like these i wonder how God's glory can be shown. 
because i don't understand why i have to be in so much pain. 
i feel so selfish and foolish even talking about it. 
i don't have cancer, i haven't lost a loved one. i just have head pain. hardcore head pain, but still. i feel awful complaining so much and wishing, begging, pleading with God to take this awfulness away. 

what is the point? why, God? why must migraines exist? and why must i get them so frequently? what is their purpose? what function could they possibly serve?

one of my favorite passages in the Bible is in John chapter 9 
John 9:1-3
as He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth. and His disciples asked Him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" Jesus answered, "it was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him." 

this is so powerful to me. 
people who are born blind, or disfigured or with unexplainable pain, were created with purpose. God doesn't make mistakes and He is brilliant in the way He works. 
i have no idea if i was supposed to be born with this pain or how long i will have it, but i do know that God has a purpose for me. even with my pain. maybe even especially because of my pain.
 i always have a purpose because God created me. i was made to be a vessel, to work for His Kingdom. 

i don't know know if there will ever be a day that i no longer have migraines. 
doctors are hopeful but i am doubtful 
i know that God can heal me of it, but i almost feel as if it's supposed to be here. 
like a gift. 
(sometimes it feels like a crummy gift)
but, my hope is in Jesus Christ. 
when death comes, i will have a new body with NO PAIN! praise God! 
and that will be a glorious day and an amazing eternity with Him. 

but, while i'm here and in pain, i need to be a much better Kingdom worker. 
i feel ashamed of the way i have acted these last few days. 
the pain is starting to subside, now, after three shots and a few oral medications. 

i struggle during these times to show Christ to others. 
i have no idea how to bring glory to God through my pain. 
although i am sure i will have plenty more opportunities. *cringe*

the song on my heart today is so beautiful, 
i can't get through the whole song without crying. 
it is powerful stuff worshiping the One True God. 
my soul just completely comes to life.  
it is the kind of powerful that actually breaks your heart, it's so good. 

i'm sorry i didn't worship in my times of sorrow
i felt deserving of healing 
and i felt that it is unfair to be in so much pain. 
i'm ashamed. 

through worshiping, i feel stronger. 
through worshiping, i know fully that i am nothing without Him. 
i cling to Him and He draws near to me.
i feel the presence of God here with me, now.
i  know He is here and i know He hears my cry. 

hear my shouts of worship, oh God. 


how deep the Father's love for us
how vast beyond all measure
that He should give His only Son
to make a wretch His treasure

how great the pain of searing loss
the Father turns His face away
as wounds which mar the chosen One
bring many sons to glory

behold the Man upon a cross
my sin upon His shoulders
ashamed i hear my mocking voice
call out among the scoffers

it was my sin that held Him there
until it was accomplished
His dying breath has brought me life
i know that it is finished 

i will not boast of anything
no gifts, no power, no wisdom
but i will boast in Jesus Christ
His death and resurrection

why should i gain from His reward?
i cannot give an answer
but this i know with all my heart
His wounds have paid my ransom 

but this i know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom.