the blog about the pregnancy status || very personal story || central illinos wedding photographers || ethan and bethany

so there was this status going around facebook about pregnancy facts. 
i think it's fantastic to read other people's hearts, especially on facebook. 
yes, sometimes it's terribly terrible statuses and i sometimes can't stand what people are writing about but it's clear that they need some love.

 anyways, i "liked" someone's not knowing that then i would get a number to talk about my pregnancies. 

well sometimes i'm snarkastic (snarky and sarcastic. thank you gilmore girls)
and when i got my number i was all "oh sure.. i'll do a pregnancy post"
here's what mine woulda been with that snarky attitude : 

1. i'm not pregnant
2. i'm still not pregnant
3. i'm a "never pregnant"
4. i'm blessed with an amazing husband but he's not enough and i still want more
5. yep, still not pregnant
6. no burt babies for us

um so. how awful is that!?
my heart is literally pounding right now as i actually write this post out loud. 
(you get what i mean). 

that's the list that was in my heart when i thought about doing my own list. 
 i dared not post that because then people would know that i have a bitter heart and really struggle with wanting kids when i want them.

i mean, have you met ethan? not only is he the most handsome thing ever, he's going to be the best dad. he's so caring and wonderful and has oodles of love to share. 
and he wants babies to kiss and to be weird with us. 

so i thought i'd share my real broken & ugly heart this morning. 
i don't know why i'm not getting pregnant. 
and sometimes i don't like to be this honest and post this much into my life because then i get a lot of opinions and comments that i don't want. 
(like, "i bet as soon as you post this you'll get pregnant" or "as soon as you stop trying you'll get pregnant.)

so, enter Jesus. 
thank God for God! and his great love. 
he saves me. 
he hears my cries. 

he is growing me in a way i've never had to before. 
i've asked for opportunities to be patient. 
i get them and then i gripe and moan and get really pissed. 

but here i am, in a very long time of being  patient and i'm failing, again.
but this time recognizing it. and seeking him in the midst of my struggle.

i'm so thankful that he's there and he's got his arms open wide for me to take refuge in. 
i feel like it's the most comfortable sleep in the most comfortable and warm bed when i give up control to my God. 

i don't want to do anything outside of God's will for my life. 
right now, babies are not happening. 

i still have  purpose. 

i have been blessed and not promised a life that i imagined. 
but i have been promised eternal life. 
while i'm here i want to work for His Kingdom. 
that has not looked like what i thought it would. 
but it has been better.

i called being married young, but never imagined it would be with ethan burt and definitely 
didn't know it would be THIS good! ;)

and now, i thought i'd have kids by now. or have no problems getting pregnant. and have no miscarriages and have perfect healthy babies and they'd never get sick or die too young. 

but i'm not promised that. 

 God's plan is much greater. and i'm thankful for that and excited for that in my life.

many things have been happening over the last 2 years that are changing my heart. 
and i'd love to open up to anyone who wants to hear but that would be a ridiculously long blog post and i won't do that to you. 

but here was one of the most recent things : 

"We don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as the baby is healthy. 
But what if it's not healthy?"

i don't know many times i've heard this AND said this! 

so let's think about what that sentence really means.. 

what about the babies that aren't born healthy? 
we don't have to love them or be thankful for them? 
or take care of them?
we just want a healthy baby. for us to have and to enjoy in. 

well, it might not be. i don't know that it will be! 

praise God for breaking and changing my heart.
we aren't promised a baby. or 5. or health. 

so, my heart struggles with wanting. 
with desires that may not be His desires. 
that's what i have to die to every morning. 
die to myself and ask God to use me how He plans on using me that day. 
and not having exceptions of what i think that will look like. 

right now he uses me as a wife to ethan. 
what a rich blessing! 
right now he uses me in the wedding/photography industry. 
right now he uses me as a daughter and a sister and an aunt! 
right now he uses me as a stranger. 
a friend. 
a community member. 

right now i am richly blessed.