delight yourself in the Lord || marriage and life and stuff || feb.2014

delight.

it's such a wonderful thing to delight in your husband. 
to be a delight to your husband. 
and to delight in the Lord. 

i like to ask myself hard questions. 
a book i love calls them "dangerous questions" 

but i love growth. 

i absolutely love 
(and when i say love i mean love/hate, of course) 
finding out my weaknesses and areas of life that need to change 
(which unfortunately happens to be a lot) 
and then i work on changing them. 


it's been super great for our marriage, i can tell ya that! 
and my heart. 

questions like : 

what's it like being married to me?

how am i being selfish today? 

how can i be a delight to my husband? 

what are his needs?

why don't i want to change? 

why am i holding on to this sin?

when i'm frustrated or angry i stop and ask myself : 

why am i choosing to be angry? 

what is taking the place of God in my heart right now?

what is my behavior showing/saying about me?

when i'm tired or hurting much : 

how was his day? 

how can i be tired but still be there for him? 

how can i show him that i appreciate him today?

he's tired, too. how is my behavior showing that i love him? 

and the list goes on and on and on for all circumstances. 

very easily i think we can get caught up in ourselves. 
 remembering that marriage isn't about our one self 
and asking the hard questions can pull me out of my selfish behavior.

so, God's been working on my heart for oh, about 2 years on the baby thing. 
babies are just so cute and so sweet and so smelly good minus the poop thing.
 and wonderful. 
and! gosh, the bible says they are a blessing! 
which somehow makes everyone think that you have to hurry up and make babies!
and questions why you're not having kids or don't have them yet. 

anyways, clearly needing to still work on that bitterness ;) 

but! wow, has my heart changed! 
it's been a bloody battle but i am finally, 
(2 years felt like forever) at a wonderful and sweet, healthy place in my life/heart. 
ethan has been so patient. he gets the most patient and handsome husband ever award. 

it's really hard to share this much sometimes, really. 
i'm ashamed that i've had this struggle. 
but, it's just the truth. 
i adore children. 
and i want some. 
to parent with ethan. 
i want to give him children because he's amazing and will be so good. 
i want to mother and to kiss the boo-boos and to cuddle them have have that warm knowing look from them that i'm their mama and sing to them and so on and so on. 
you all know. 

but, guess what? 
that's not my life right now and thats OKAY. 
it's good!
and actually, it's even a BLESSING. 

God works beautifully. 
it's taken me 2 years to realize that life is good the way it is because 
God's working in it always.

He writes my life and that's how i truly want it. 
but i wasn't living it. 

babies and plans and the way i want my life took over my heart. 
i thought the empty spots in my life/heart would be filled if i just had a baby. 
but that's a lie Satan wanted me to believe. and i did for so long. 
and it can be more than just babies. 

it can be my job, my marriage, my friends, anything. you know it never ends, right?
i know because even when you're married you feel empty spots. 
and i know because even when people have kids they still have those empty spots.
it's not uncommon. it's the way of our flesh. 

the empty spots need to be filled up with the Holy Spirit and that's the hard, beautiful truth! 

now, i know it's not wrong to want babies, to have babies 
or to seek God and make life plans. 
totally get that, however, for my personal story, it was tearing my life and marriage apart because i was craving children so badly that i did not honor and please God in my daily life or in my home.  

some things that have helped me through these last two years : 

my husband.
he's been so strong. 
and so honest. 
women, get yourself an honest husband who loves the Lord. 
you can't go wrong. 
he calls me out like i need, he does not make light of the situation but he pushes me to be very real and get right with Christ. 

my friends. (family counts in here, too)
all our friends are at different stages in life. 
it's been a blessing to have so many friends who are real about the messes in their lives. 
and the let me be real about mine. 
we push each other to Christ and are patient with each other as we go along in this life. 

my sisters. 
they are beautiful women. 
they are also wives and mothers. 
and their stories have been crazy wonderful and tragic, too. 
it helps me to see from the outside that God is good and He is writing their story. 
even with the pain. 
so then how couldn't i see that for my own life? 

my physical pain.
i'm the weirdest medical case ever.
probably not ever, but in my house at least. 
nothing makes sense about the daily pain i have. not even to doctors or specialists. 
i am convinced that it's a blessing although i don't always choose to see it that way. 
i have no idea if it'll ever go away and if i doesn't, 
having and raising kids will be really difficult for me.
i like to think that i'll be fine, because i don't have kids now and i also like to think i'm tougher than i am, but gosh, it hurts me for days to even hold a baby for 5 minutes. bearing and raising children may be too much for my poor body. most the time i like to think i'm up for the challenge but i think God knows what he's doing! i'll leave it to Him! 

this world. the fallen world. 
remembering that i am not promised perfect healthy pregnancies 
and perfect healthy babies helps me prepare a little bit better. 
i have seen so many stories in just a short amount of my life. 
things don't turn out how we plan, and we are so shocked and surprised by that. 
i've been blessed with this time, lots of time, to prepare my heart. 

i am promised perfect eternal life with my heavenly father and that has to be enough. 
that IS enough! praise God! 
my children are not mine. they are God's. 
they could come and go by the age of 2 or 22. 
they could miscarry. 
they could have lots of disabilities and not be able to function on their own. 
oh, sweet babies. 
i will love them. 
 i do not know what God has in store. 
my heart can be prepared the best it can
by reading His Word. 

so, at age 24 in february 2014, this is where i'm at. 
i'm a mess. 
but i'm thankful. i'm growing. i'm learning. i'm seeking. 
God is using me. as broken and as messy as i am. 
i am His and He is mine. 
i'm choosing Joy.