random thoughts of a 24 year old girl || my open heart ||

24 looks different than i imagined.
i imagined marriage. 
i had no idea i would marry such a stud.
i had no idea this man i would be blessed with would be so so
 good to me and love the Lord beautifully and bravely. 

i thought i'd have kids by now. 
when you meet the guy of your dreams and he sweeps you off your feet and marries you so quickly because he doesn't want you to get away, you quickly start to imagine how darling little baby boys that look just like him would be. 

SO CUTE. you guys. 

tonight ethan left to play pickleball and i just couldn't handle it. 
just. so.much.good lookingness.

sometimes i'm so overwhelmed by my husband's handsome/funny/cute/everythingness
that i just don't know what to do. 
it actually hurts my heart, i love him so much. 

at that moment i wanted a little boy dressed just 
like his papa complete with adorable red hair 
and big brown eyes like him, too. 

also, i may have asked ethan today if he'd think a little girl just like me would be cute. 
to which his answer was "only the cutest" 
and i melted. 

ethan and i both deeply desire kids of our own. 
but you know, after a long year or so, our hearts are changing.

one thing i do the most is forget that i'm not normal. 
i look normal. 
but, i so am not. 
 i am in so much pain. 
and sometimes it's so absolutely unpredictable and terrible that i can't stand it and ethan has no idea how to help me. though he tries. 
that man deserves a medal. 

these past three days have been some of the worst in a long time. 
thankfully, over the last year or two i've found new treatment that has helped. 
but every once in a while i get those knock-you-off-your-feet-vomit-forever-can't-move-by-yourself-migraines and i'm reminded how not normal i am. 
in those times i honestly am scared to death of pregnancy. 
no thank you. 

in those times, also, i'm reminded of how good my God is. 
He knows my pain. 
He knows why. even when i don't know why or understand. 
He sees me. 
and His timing is perfect. 
i have no idea why i have this pain. 
but today i know why i don't have kids of my own! 

changing diapers hurts. 
holding a baby hurts. 
lifting my niece and nephews to play on the playground hurts. 
i forget? or i ignore?
then i pay for it later. 

it hurts my heart. 
why would i have the desire for kids if i can't even hold them?!
or feed them? 
or change them?
or play with them?

 God has sweetly been changing my heart to want His will and not my own. 
you all know if it was up to me we'd  be up to our ears in burt babies. 

but thankfully, and sweetly, that's not Gods plan. 
why i have pain is beyond me. 
i'd simply rather not have it. 
but it's there for a reason. and i know that is the truth. 
God can use me. mother or not. healthy or not. 

 God has been whispering to me that he wants my heart to change because my life doesn't look the way i thought it would. 
it wasn't ever my life to begin with. 
and i'm missing out on the life He has for me when i'm whining 
about the life i thought i wanted. 

also when i'm whining about the life i want for myself, i forget to love on and be thankful for the blessings i have today. in the now. 

wishing my life away for babies i don't have is a miserable, empty way to live. 

i can also quickly forget my marriage. 
my husband is deeply effected by me. 
i never want him to feel like he's not enough.
one time when i was really low, i don't know if he really knew how emo i was that day but he just randomly said "if all i ever have is you for 
the rest of my life, i'm perfectly happy. that's enough."
i will never forget that day. i will never forget his sweet words. 
and i know he means them. 
if any of you know him at all you know he's pretty intense about two things : 
Jesus Christ, and me. 
that man loves me like crazy. and i knew those words were from deep in his heart. 
i am enough for him, always. 
whether or not i can have kids, whether or not i'm healthy, God blessed us with each other and that's good enough. that's more than we deserve. and ethan's truly thankful and won't ask for more. 
he deserves another medal. 

i couldn't answer the same. 
i am ashamed to say that i wanted more. 
i wanted to be pregnant. 
i wanted to have my own kids. 
with him of course.
but still, he wasn't enough. 
i was showing him he wasn't enough when my heart was lusting so hard after a family. 

now i'm not saying it's wrong to want a family. 
it's not.
i'm just sharing my story. 
and for me, personally, i was deep in idolatry. 

it's been a really rough road but i'm finally at peace. 
it only took me about 2 years. 
*hits herself in the face*
thankful for a patient God. who never leaves us. 

and i finally want to share. 
my heart is open for all to see. 
what a mess.