the ups & downs || here's my heart today || Jesus, draw near

i've got a giant cup of coffee and it's time to blog again. 

it's been a while. 
probably not as long as it feels but for someone who loves to blog and share, it's been a while. 

we were skimping on the sugar in our coffee yesterday because we had to, it was pretty much empty. 
and then today i checked the cabinet for the third time just thinking maybe this time there will be some sugar. and there was! the sugar fairies must've come last night while i was sleeping. 
i love them. 

our sugar is expensive because it's organic and raw and unrefined and all that fancy stuff.
we love meijer but we keep forgetting to purchase bulk online so it'll be cheaper. 
i like sugar. it's fine. 
so now i have the full amount of sugar that i love in my coffee and i'm ready to go.


i've been stopping myself from sharing these past few whatevers, i don't even know how longs it's been. i'll find out after i post and it shows me the previous one's date. 

but the reason is because i'm afraid of sharing negative things. 
i want to be a voice of love and positive energy. 
mostly that's all i feel. 
but even i have phases of crud. 

i still know the Truth. and its in these times that i have to cling even harder. 
so i want to share because i want to be honest and real with my blog and my sharing of my story through this life. 

but i don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. because i've been doing enough of that for myself lately. and it's time to get over it. 

i think ages 24-hopefully only 25, but maybe 26? 
are the years of drowning. 
my 30 year old friends tell me it's just the 20's. but i'm determined to get this thing figured out before 26 because this sucks. i'm sure they all said the same thing. and now they're laughing at me and their 26 year old self. you're welcome for that giggle. 

so i'm 24. almost 25. 
ethan's been laughing at me because apparently i'm the only human who is excited about aging. and for the last few months i've said "24, almost 25" to anyone who asks my age. 

i love my birthday and i love aging!

i think i'm excited about getting older because i have this false hope that it'll grant me respect from others. just because i'm 25. 
but i should know this doesn't work because i don't necessarily respect someone because they are 25. ha! that's really funny now that i think about it. 
being a certain age doesn't just make you a respectable person. 

but i just notice that as you age, people take you more seriously. 
and i think i've just always been a person who needs acceptance from other people so i'm just like ohhhh goodie, they will respect me as an adult and business owner in the community now. because i'm 25. isn't that how it works? oy. 

maybe i should also start using upper case letters and proper punctuation? 
does that gain respect?
nahh. ;) 

it's so good to write it all out and then laugh at myself.

there are two things that are happening right now that i'm having a hard time learning how to deal. 

pain
&
business
-------------------

pain.

my pain is pretty unexplainable. even though i've really tried. 
it's just my life. 
i don't even notice how much  my life is different from a "normal" person anymore because this just has been my life for as long as i can remember. 

and i'm trying now to fight being harsh with people. 
i'm kinda over it. 
like, you don't have to get it. or understand it. 
it just IS. and i cannot help it. 

i'm tired of feeling guilty because of this. 

some people just don't know and i get that. 
but i feel like some people who know by now and they still choose not to try to get me.
that hurts. 

but as almost 25 year olds know, you just start to grow more of a backbone as you get older. and what i'm fighting is not being a complete mean-head about things. 
which is why i don't like to share when i feel this way because i feel like i could very easily blog about something i wish i could take back. and that's another thing i'm trying to learn as i gain years and wisdom. words hurt. and i hate being the one who hurts. 

but lately i feel like i'm the one who is being hurt. 
maybe that's my calling.
maybe i'm supposed to endure much hurt. 
in fact, i know it is. i just don't want to face it right now. 

honestly, i must. and i'd be happy to. it feels like something Christ would ask of me. ;) 
but my heart needs to be fully transformed in order for me to do so. 


and right now, instead, i'm having a full on pity party. 

i'm ready for the Savior to come take it all away. 
and i'm ready to do what He asks of me. 
i just need His strength to do it. 

instead of relying on my own. because that fails. big time. like now. 

super hero stories are really the best.
everyone loves them. 

Good always defeats Evil. and it always will. 

and i have the best one ever to share. 
it's Jesus. 

it's just. Jesus. 

-------------------------------------------

the business. 

i feel pulled in 100 different directions all the time. 

someone needs something from me literally every hour. 

reminding me that i need HIM every hour. 
i need to pause to sing that song. 

please hold.. 

see. that's so good. 

"i need thee every hour. 
in joy and in pain.
come quickly and abide,
or life is in vain." 

boom. that just revives me. and gives me strength.

so, owning your own business. 

it's thrilling, definitely. 

it's just much much harder than i anticipated.

it's the most incredible work and the hardest work i've ever done in my life. 

many think it's just taking photos and having fun.
 and i thought that, too. 

but now i fully get it. 
i am all departments of the entire business all of the time.
and it never sleeps.

i now want to hug and kiss all business owners in the world. 

if you're one of my brides reading this, first of all, i love you. 
you already know that. 
and second, don't stop the texts and calls and emails. 
i LOVE it and it's a huge blessing of my job. 

i just need to chill out and learn how to deal. 

and i will! i'm determined. 
i've grown since last year and i'll grow through to next year. 
growth is a process and it hurts like when your knees hurt because you're getting taller. 
business growth spurts hurt, too. 
but they are so so good to go through. 

i'm so thankful for a God who has trusted me with such a sweet career. 
it's so much more than taking a photo. and i'm in love with all of it. 
 the good and the bad. 

and i'm so thankful for a husband who has felt the calling too, quit his job and now full time runs the business with me. praise the Lord for so much provision. 
we're really doing this. and it's really scary. 

so, like with a lot of things in this life, i now get to also go through business owning alongside my hunky husband! isn't that swell?! i'll answer for you. YUP! 

it's very different than before. ethan worked full time else where and we had hours apart and then couldn't wait to see each other. and we had set business hours and a better separating of the day. we're now together all day everyday and we're learning what that's like. it actually works for us because if you know us at all you know we're incredibly obsessed with each other. 

we're learning to set business hours. 
i'm terrible at this. which is another reason i'm so crazy right now. 

i just need to SHUT THE PHONE OFF. you know?
no one needs to do business at 2am. really. 
i just can't seem to shut my business part of my brain off, ever. 

i'll get there. hopefully. pray for me. 

and i'm also learning, slowly, to allow ethan to take over more and more.

this has been an interesting struggle.

i found out that i'm more of a control freak than i'd ever like to admit. 
this is why my husband nicknames me monica. 

and i can't even fight back. because it's just. ugh. too true. 

but we're getting there and ethan is incredible. 
i'm so impressed with his work. 
i tease him that i'm glad he's stuck with me because he doesn't need me anymore, he could totally start his own business! 
gladly, he stays. :)

so, this is fun. 
i'm feeling growing pains. 
and i'm praying that i handle things gracefully. 
i want to truly love people. 
and i need to learn to rest myself and especially rest in the Lord
so that i don't turn into a crazy mean person who just spits out in anger because she's causing herself to become over worked and negative. 

i want to see these more trying times as opportunities to be better. 

and not give in to the temptation to react on my emotions but to 
to lean on Christ and remember who and what i'm working for. 

maybe God is asking me to see that he is answering my prayers. 
just not in the way i was thinking.
isn't that just like God. 

He's clearly showing me through my tiny little struggles, how Christ bled his all for me. 

do you understand that? can you even grasp that? 
Christ died. 
for you and for me. 
he bled out for us. and he did it because he loves us that much. 

and it's still not enough for our faithless hearts. 
we ask for more and more and more.  

so will people ask more and more of us. 

 i need a transformed heart to see that these are opportunities for me to bleed for others. 
like Christ bled for me.

i LOVE Colossians 3. 
it might be my favorite. 
here is  vs. 17 : 
And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

paper. source. 
nuff said. 


i date him. 

sipping that mad goat.


we.like.each.other.and.jamba.juice.

this day : 
ethan edits and we watch gilmore girls and i package wedding days
to be shipped off! 

note taking. business planning. 
and of course, drinking all the coffee.

booked a wedding at meijer!! 
definitely the thrilling part of my job!! this is seriously so fun for me. and i feel God working these people and these weddings into our lives!
ethan was pacing back and forth in the blender aisle giving me smiles and encouragements and then telling me i'm a hot business owner after i hang up. 
best. 

just. cute cat. she's got a tiny attitude here. but we love her anyway. 
pretty green eyes.
her little paws. 
and office curtains i made myself. pat pat.

i have the sweetest reminders of love, patience, beautiful imperfect art & hearts, from the gifts my clients/friends give me. 

a cute office is a more productive office. 
truth.