coffee date || my heart || my life and my song

as i age i'm trying to figure things out about myself. 
things about life. 
things about marriage. 
things about people. 
aren't we all? do we ever get there? 
someone tell me we do! ;) 

so i was thinking this morning about how joyful my heart feels. 
i feel truly truly, i guess, happy. 

i don't really like the word happy so much. 
i do use it often, but i just want to be extra careful not to seek happiness. 
happiness is so fleeting. 
especially in today's american culture. 

i fight myself daily to seek what is holy, and not what would make me temporarily happy.
it doesn't seem like such a bad word, you know, for a while. 

oh, that would make me so happy! 
i'm gunna do it. 
i want to make them happy. then i can be happy. 
someone will tell me i deserve to be happy.

what happens then when things go wrong?
not your way. 
things are bad. and you're just lost. 
and really unhappy.
you really feel like you can't understand because you deserve to be happy. 
so why aren't things going my way? 
it's so dangerous to allow our hearts to think this way. 

at least for me. 

we think these lives are ours. and that's just not so. 
 we're seeking what we think should be instead of  seeking God's will for our lives. 

we were created by God, for God. 
and that is so beautiful when you choose to live it out. 

i've found true Joy. 
and that is Jesus Christ. 

this changed my life. 
honestly it's like every ounce of my body knows it belongs to God and it's not my own. 
it's a full transformation and i adore this feeling. 
God is so good to love so much, me,  such a broken sinful creature. 
He intended for good but i ruined with sin.
He made a way for me. through Joy, his son, Jesus Christ.  
now i get to spend my life here, being full of the Holy Spirit. 
and then die.
and spend eternity with Him. 
amen.

i am able to be annoyingly "happy" all of the time now. 

i woke up just giddy this morning. 
and i normally do. 
i am extremely thankful for my life. 
having this insanely in love with me husband is pretty legit. 
i would recommend it.  

and like you know, life and marriage, has its ups and downs. 
but i am here to tell you we pretty much only have ups. 
and i'm being real. 
a lot of people tell me marriage is this and marriages is that. 
well it might be, for you. but mine isn't like that. 
there is another way. 
another way that even the downs can feel like ups because you've allowed God to take control. and make beauty happen. 
it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. or that you don't suffer. 
because you do. sometimes it is so very hard. 
but you can have Joy, all along the way. 
the sweetest Joy. 
you can conquer anything together in marriage as long as God is the foundation. 
He made marriage. and He created it to be oh, so delightful. 

it's not because we're just blessed more than most and nothing bad ever happens to us, 
no sir, bad happens, but it's because we choose Joy. 

Joy in sorrow. 
Joy in pain. 
Joy in the confusing. 
Joy in the mundane. 
Joy in the good news days. 
Joy in the rain. 
Joy in the sunshine.
Joy in death. 

it is not always easy to live out. 
and i do fail. 
and i do struggle with seeking my self instead of Jesus. 
and i do annoy my friends with my self doubt. 
and my worries and fears. 
my bad days. 

but most days i'm able to just rejoice in the Glory of my King! 
and that makes my day incredible. 
truly incredible. 

it's in the breeze and the changing of the leaves.
it's in the breakfast food. 
it's in the work that i do. 
it's in the way i wife. 
it's in the way i talk. 
it's in the way i am thankful for having someone to go to the grocery store for me when we need more eggs. 
it's in the unfinished house. 
it's in the piles of work. 
it's in the warmth of a cup of coffee. 
it's in rejoicing when your friends start their families. 
it's in encouraging others. 
it's in the sad days when Jesus feels that much more real. 
it's in the longing for Home. 
it consumes me and satisfies my soul. 

it's in not being ashamed to live out loud. 
i've always been a little "crazy out there"  so it's easy for me to forget that i may look foolish. 
but i enjoy the way i am. 
 i'm just figuring things out. 
so far, i've figured out that i just won't live any other way.