the busy months || Jesus, save me, forgive my wicked heart || be nicer, be cheerful || my life and my song


lately i've just been very sad. 

every day. 
i just keep thinking "today has got to be better"
and then it's not. 

and that's not really like me. 

it's just that time of year when everything is all piled up on me 
and i just can't get ahead of the game. 
i'm not late on any of my deadlines but it's just so.much.work. 
and people are waiting. 
it's a lot of pressure. 
it's never ending (except it will end around january.) 
and i am just drowning. 

so i've been pretty nasty. 
just miserable and feeling so sorry for myself. 

it's annoying. 

*slap noise*
that's me, slapping myself in the face. 

i have all these expectations on my friends and  people and they're not meeting them. 
and i have unrealistic expectations of myself. 
that i am failing miserably at. 

i'm lashing out at ethan because he's near. 
so obviously, that's fair. 

and i'm crying a lot. and hiding in the shower. 


just real life, people. 


i came home the other night in a terrible mood because of the tons of things that are going on with people which causes about one million emotions in 5 minutes. 
making massive weirdness happen up in my brain. 

i get home. 
and ethan had built me a new keyboard tray. 
for my desk. 

he bought the wood and painted it white. 
because i love white. 

he had made room for everything i need while i work. 
he said "you can put your note book here. 
your tissue here. 
and your chapstick. 
there's a place for a snack plate and of course, your coffee"

and i cried. 

and then kissed him. 
a lot. 

he's the best friend i could ever have. 
like the best a best could get. 

i really have nothing to complain about. and need to get my attitude in check. 

really i need the HG to work in my heart. 
(that's what we call the Holy Ghost)

blah. flush out this selfishness, please. 


i've been too focused on what needs i need to meet. 
and i've been sad about the needs i want to be met in my life. 

i've not been allowing Christ to satisfy my soul. 

it's so good to remember to follow Jesus. 
and then this little life and it's problems seem so much smaller.

some days, weeks, months, are just harder than others. 
and i'm in the midst of that right now. 

here in a couple months i will have free time again. 
i can see my friends. 
and i can stop feeling so crazy.
i'll have less needs to meet. 
for work at least.

so i want to embrace the crazy that is my life right now. 
and appreciate it. 
and be nicer. 
and plow through the work load with a cheerful heart. 

i can't just be nice and good and cheerful and thankful when everything is going super well.
it's easy then. 
it's hard currently. 

i need to be doing it, now. while things kinda suck and i'd rather they didn't. 
i'm not promised life will be easy. 
or that people will like me. 
but i am promised everlasting life. 
and i don't want to waste the little time i have here on being sad and pouty. 

currently, i'm struggling. 
and i think that's okay. 
i don't think God just takes away our struggles. 
he knows we need him. 
and he knows we live in a fallen world of sin. 
it will be very hard for us here. 
and when i'm struggling, i realize just how desperate i am for a Savior. 
i love that about struggling. 
it's completely bittersweet. 

it's life changing and heart transforming when we allow Jesus to live in us. 

Jesus is so good. He saves and satisfies! 
he is the cup of Living Water! 
what do i ever have to be worried about!? really! 

Jesus, 
fill my heart. 
empty me of me, and fill me up with You. 

so that i might be Light in this dark world.