something i feel is really important is getting to know who you are. and then not apologizing about it.
over the last few years that i've become a wife i have really enjoyed also finding out who i am as an adult woman. and i must say, i am really growing to love the place i'm in.
now, i'm not perfect. nope. i'm not and i don't want to be or try to be. that's the not goal. but what's really nice is to daily seek to grow into the best version of yourself, all the time. and while you do, you start to feel more positive. not all the time, no, but most of the time. i do have times where i'm just defeated. and feel like a total failure. can't make anyone happy, everyone seems to turn on me, moments. you know, the really deep kind of self involved mess. and it's not fun. but you just eat extra mint chocolate chip ice cream and push through. it really is OK.
i've just gone through another one of the down/hard times. but after yesterday, i had a super incredible God moment in my kitchen and my heart completely broke and i realized that i need to be made new again. it's okay to admit failure. and it's okay to know that there are just going to be harder times. and you might not like what you see in the mirror. you don't know when it will end. you hope it's soon but it just keeps being not awesome. it sucks.
but it's not okay to give up.
push through, keep moving forward. keep the faith. and it will get brighter. i promise.
and now it's not better overnight. i'm still a little bit hurt right now. and i'm definitely still a lot-a-bit selfish. i needed a huge dose of die-to-myself- again and now i'm just headed back in the right direction. towards my Light and my Hope.
so, i decided i want to be french. i met a woman at lowe's recently and she told me i looked like audrey hepburn. after i nearly feel over in the faucet aisle, i told her she's only my favorite ever and sabrina is my all time favorite movie. and that i wanted to kiss this woman for saying i look like her. then when we said our goodbyes and she said "i hope i see you again, the little french girl". ugh. really. that was real life. and i loved it. and i also hope i look as good as she does when i'm older. she was a cutie pants and had gorgeous long white hair. and loved her husband. it was so great to see.
it made me think of anne being called "anne girl" in anne of green gables. if you haven't seen it, we can't be friends until you watch. please understand.
i'm goofy. i really like sunlight. but i also really like grey days. even light all over the place. but also sun flare on hair and in between kissing faces. i like mascara and long long eyelashes. i like red chapstick. i'm ashamed that i watch nashville. and like it. i like opening the windows in the winter time while drinking hot coffee and being bundled up in blankets and listening to the still night. i never manage my eyebrows. i can't get enough of people. even when they hurt me or drive me crazy, i still love them. and want to know more people. coffee dates are the way to my heart. i have to photograph. it kinda just happened to me and sometimes i feel bad that i don't have some incredible story like i was an amazingly talented 5 year old photographer or something. i don't have that story. but my husband shoots with me and he was photographing an engagement session tonight and i couldn't stop taking the camera from him because I.HAVE.TO.CAPTURE. i see it, and i fear that it won't get captured the "right" way in my mind. even tho he's so talented, and so are other people, and i'm not the best, i just WANT to capture it my way. the beauty of that moment, kept forever. i just have to create. photography is a way that i can do that. i love social media. instagram has been a huge blessing in my life. i love being able to see other people's lives, struggles, happiness, fears, growing families, travels. all in these beautiful little tiny squares. it's incredible. i love Jesus. surrendering my life to Him is the best thing that will ever be in my life. sometimes i hurt people. which i really hate. i don't know the best way to handle every situation and i really screw up sometimes. and it really can leave scars. i hate that i have hurt people. i just try to do better. and be more sincere. and love deeper. i'm an over-sharer. obviously. i like that about myself, actually. sharing and being super intensely real is kinda my thing. i want to be just like my husband. and he wants to be just like me. i absolutely love that, and it sweetens our marriage. i take everything personally and have to try really hard to not be so sensitive. i want all my clothes to be mustard yellow. or grey. i wish it was okay to wear leggings as pants. but we just shouldn't, sisters. i wish women would be nicer to each other. build each other up and just be kind. i'm tired of everyone being so offended by what everyone else is doing. it's insane, really i love tuna. like, love it. with mustard and mayonnaise. also, i like brown sugar. probably too much. i really don't like reading all that much. i'm too antsy to sit and read. that's probably why i write so choppy and random. it's how my brain is. so it's how it comes out. i enjoy it. i love this time of year. i like all the christmas music and the holiday cheer. and the sparkles and twinkle lights and the smells in the stores. and the chill in the air. i like it most of all because i met my husband when it was really really cold. we met & he stayed out in the cold for me. for hours. so now i always feel extra warm and thankful.
i like being "the little french girl" & i decided i only want to wear hats from now on. and be french. someone, please buy me some hats. i only have this one.