the one that was a bit harder to write || my life and my song || nov.30.2014




sometimes the holy ghost convicts me to write a post. 
at 7 o'clock in the morning. 

and usually, like any normal person, 
i tell 'em, no. 
and go back to sleep. 

this happens time and time again. 
i just lay in bed and write this brilliant (ha) post in my head. 
and it never makes it to the page.

most the time it is between 1 and 3 am. 
so ignoring is way easier. 
but 7am. that's a little better timing. 
 i personally think 2pm is a great time of day to get a blog post conviction. 
but HG works the way HG wants to work. 

the posts are always better in my head because it's 100% my heart. 
and no one can ever read it. 
besides ethan. 

 the thing about real posts is that then i'm out of bed, 
up and writing. 
and now worried and influenced by what other people may think about my heart. 

today i think, how many people will be pissed after reading this?

i told ethan i feel convicted to write this. 
but i worry it could do harm. 
he said conviction often harms. 
and encouraged me to write. 

also, very sleepily he said "i like you. have a nut!"
which is a quote from a favorite movie. 
so i just fell more in love. 

so, OK. here goes. 

this is about :
anniversary dates
homeless people
Christmas
and children. 

i have no idea how my brain even functions. 
it is a mess up here. 

we're on our anniversary date and a homeless person ruins it. 

that's how i used to feel when we would see so many homeless people in the city, while we're trying to have a great time being in love and enjoying the expensive coffee and food and movies and clean fancy clothes and hotels and complimentary fruit water.

we were walking around the circle and one specific homeless man caught my eye. 
i didn't look away. 
he didn't ruin anything. and he wasn't in my way. 
 i wanted to know him. 
we bought him breakfast. 
he was very sweet and had a beautiful smile. 
and thanked us. 
as we walked out of starbucks with his meal, i was met with yet another face. 
a woman this time. 
and i just wanted to give her a shower and wash her hair. 
she has a lot of hair. 
i have a lot of hair. 

she's not all that different from me. 

i just want us all to wake up. 

i walked about for a couple of days and observed as better off people went into stores and came out with bags and bags of junk, probably for their loved ones, and ignored the people sitting in the rain. with very worn clothes and not even wearing shoes. 

i just wonder about this. 
and my heart hurts. 

why do we continue to buy more. 
when they have nothing. 

why do we continue to get presents for children who already have more than enough. 
and then judge the homeless man for why he's homeless. 
when you didn't even stop to ask his name. 

we sometimes think, they deserve to be homeless. 
they got themselves in this position. 
they gambled their money away and lost their job. 
and didn't support their family. 

and maybe that's true. 

or. 

maybe his wife and kids died.
in a house fire.
he tried to save them.  
and his heart is so broken, he has no hope. and lost the will to live. 

maybe she was abused. 
and can't find a job to support herself.
and she misses her kids but they took them away. 
that's why she's crying. 

they sit there day in and day out. 
in the rain and in the dark. 
while we Christmas shop. 

we judge them. 
but as soon as we have a problem we ask for prayer request or "good thoughts" for our family because we've come on tough times. 
we've had a case of the bad lucks but since we mostly make wise choices we're just not homeless yet. we're in terrible debt and can't be bothered to help anyone else out. 
but need some prayer requests because i just need God to provide more for me. 

so we deserve help but they don't?

i'm just not getting it. 

i'm fiery and i'm very passionate but i am not trying to be angry. 
i am just very very sure of this conviction. 

i've checked myself to make sure i'm not writing out of anger. 
but out of a pure heart that is honestly just so baffled and confused. 

i've changed. 
and this is what i think. 

people talk about how Christmas is no longer about Jesus. 
and just really wish it was. and stuff and so on and things. 

and then they go to TJMAXX and max out their credit card on gifts for their family. 

and i'm just over here like 
I DON'T GET IT. 

we want to go on our family vacations and not be bothered. 
we don't want our kids seeing homeless people. 
and tell them not to give their allowance to the guy singing beautifully on the street corner. 
because they can use that to buy a new toy.
that will break. 
or they'll get tired of. 
and you'll get annoyed with. 

we just want to move along quickly. 
it makes us uncomfortable. 
so i'm sorry, i have to move along into the next store so that i can 
find something to make me happy again. 


what do Christmas presents do to kids? 
in my opinion and experience, 
it breeds a generation that feels entitled to everything. 

why would i work for anything?
i get and get and get. 
all i have to do is throw a minor tantrum and i will get Santa to get me everything i want. 
once a year. 
it's brilliant. 

it's sickening. 
and i'm done with it. 

it's very hard to break the habit once an adult, by the way. 
*raises hand. experiencing it now still* 

some say i just don't get it yet because i don't have kids. 
and once i do i will just see. 
their faces light up with the tree and the lights and the gifts and the stockings and the movies and the food. 
yeah, i understand that. 

but i'm a grown adult and my face lights up when i see someone smile. 
my face lights up when i watched a beautiful young girl give a sandwich and a bag of chips to a man. and he says "are there any pickles?"
and she laughs and says "no pickles this time i promise"
and he gave a smile that warmed my heart so much it immediately broke me and i let out a noise and a cry. right there on the street corner. 
he was thankful. 
this wasn't a prepackaged sandwich she just purchased, either. 
she made it from her home. and brought him a lunch. 
and it tells me they have some kind of relationship because she knew not to make it with pickles this time. 
this could be months or years of this but that girl could be the very hope that man needs to get back on his feet. 

her servant heart. that, makes me light up. 

and frankly i don't care to see my kids get excited about gifts for themselves. 

i want them to care about the souls of other humans. 
and they will know Jesus. 
so they will, as children do, be willing to share everything they know and have, with someone who needs it. 

i'm not trying to convince you that they way you do Christmas is wrong. 
or that all gifting is bad and from the depths of hell. 
i just want us to think. 

do we ever do anything for anyone else but ourselves?
can we worry about other families and feeding them a meal 
instead of worry about the turkey and the ham that we need to cook for our own

or, please, at least can we stop being so incredibly stressed out about the holidays.
and enjoy this family you say you love?
why are you stressed?
really. 
be joyful. 

sharing Jesus with the world is more important than your family tradition. 
that homeless person is a soul. 
and one day we will all die. 
i'm more worried that that man felt love from another human because they brought him a sandwich than i am kids getting the doll they think they want because they are four. 

spend time with your kids. 
LOVE your kids well. 
put the gifts away, save that money for their college. 
save each year to give away. 
tell your kids about Jesus and how He is the Savior and King and the only hope for our Salvation. 

HE is the gift. 
the gift of Life. 
your children will love you even if you don't get them that toy. 
and if they don't, you now have opportunity to share real love with them. 
and fix this mess before we have yet another generation of people who walk by homeless people without a second thought.