so i just realized that i may not have a baby in 2015.
now, don't go all feeling sorry for me.
that doesn't do any one any good and it's not the point.
but i just had this moment.
it was like a week ago.
and i realized that another year has gone by.
and now it's a new one.
and this one might still not be the year we have a baby.
we start a family.
i get to experience pregnancy.
how good or bad that may be for us.
and then bring a new life into the world.
that's perfectly created by our God, to look like me and ethan.
my heart sinks.
i long for more and i don't know what that means.
i love this place i'm in.
i love the quiet.
i love the husband time.
i love my job.
but i ache at times when i touch my empty belly.
it's so strange to have such peace and to know God is so good.
and to not have a baby.
like, i do want to be a mama and i want so much to make ethan a papa.
but i love God more.
such a strange place to be.
in love with God and desiring so much to do anything and everything he calls me to do.
but to also long for a baby.
it comes in waves.
really big ones.
but God is with me.
it's like he's right here with me.
whispering "your story is so good. please just trust me. you don't want to miss this"
and so i am. trusting.
and not missing a second.
it's incredible and i'm about to ugly cry about it.
i have come to know God in such a way this past year, that i know i need
nothing more than to be near him.
my husband is so sweet and aches for babies right along side me but he loves God's will more.
and is eager to live that out in our lives.
no matter what that means.
sure we could adopt or foster.
and we probably will.
but right now, having a baby is just not happening.
and we have such joy in our hearts knowing God is at work in our lives.
i don't know if 2015 will bring a baby.
it's all so confusing as an adult experiencing this when you just grow up thinking having sex equals having a baby. so when that doesn't equal a baby, things get confusing.
my plan has gotten so messed up.
things have not gone my way.
it's so good to follow hard after God.
and to put your stupid plan aside.
i'm excited to experience 2015.
my word for this year is "courage"
it's like i didn't think i could keep going unless i had a kid.
everyone's just waiting. and i literally can't do anything about it.
because, obviously i'm a wife, and have been for long enough now that it's just "time" to get the move on and bring the babies in. and since that's not happening, i'm failing or just in waiting until i can become that. and i'm just not okay with that anymore.
there are several things that God wants me to do
and none of it has anything to do with having a family.
he writes my story.
he directs my life.
he'll make a baby happen if he wants to.
and if not, that's okay too.
i want to have courage to be this wife and woman and not mom.
for as long as he blesses me with it.
i want the courage to face these struggles head on, and not run and hide in fear.
i want to be honest that i struggle with wanting a baby and not knowing if we'll ever have any.
i want to know that i'm loved by God even if i can't get pregnant.
i want people to know that life isn't about having babies.
they're not bad to have, of course, gosh, they're wonderful, but some people may actually be called to not have kids. that's a thing, too.
i want the courage to not compare my life to anyone else's.
or to believe the lies that i can't offer anyone anything because i'm not a parent.
i see beauty in the life i live.
i see work to be done.
and i can't mope around feeling sorry for myself because i'm childless.
i won't grumble.
i won't waste life.
i could have a kid in a year or two and then feel like a real jerk because i was mad i didn't have any when i wanted them. i just know better.
i'm going to move.
i'm going to obey.
i'm going to have no idea what will become of my life.
but i can handle the now.
i can not miss out.
i can trust in the One who holds my heart.