scary ocean waters || a new writer || bethany burt || my life and my song

i have this crazy feeling in my soul to write. 

feeling led by the holy ghost. 

to write my heart out. 

this year i want to be less afraid and more brave. 

it's very hard to write a blog because as soon as it's out there, you're asking for anyone and everyone to say whatever they want to. about your heart. 

it's freaking scary. 

terrifying actually. 

yet, i still just cannot help it. 

i wake in the middle of the night with something to share. 

and it doesn't go away. 

i either shove it back in with some late night cookies and milk 

or i stay up and write it out and hit "publish". 

 i have so much to say. 

i always think of julie in julie&julia saying "i could write a blog. i have thoughts"

i do! i have thoughts! 

and i'm crazy enough to share them with the world. 

a new site is in the works and i'm really excited about it. 

along with the new site will be my first ever series 

and i've suckered a few women into joining me on a crazy journey. 

that we will then blog about. and it'll be amazing. i just know it. 

and then i've been asked to be a part of something awesome. 

i'm not sure how much i can share about it yet, but i am pretty nervous. 

because it will mean i have to actually produce material for someone else. 

deadlines and expectations. 

i can't pretend that away with late night milk and cookies. 

because i've already said yes. 

i am so random i never know what to write about but want to write about everything. 

i have shared a lot but really it's only a tiny part of my heart. 

i have been too afraid to really get gutsy. 

but i feel like that's where i'm headed. 

if i can get over my fear and stop writing bad comments in my head.

"a

nticipating the words of your critics is death for a creator of any kind" 

- my friend shauna niequist

(friend as in i love her and she doesn't know i exist)

it's like i've just been a little bit of the way in with this whole writing thing.

like my comfort zone in the ocean. i can only go in to my ankles. maybe knees. 

I AM TERRIFIED OF WATER. 

even a swimming pool. 

a swimming pool

, guys.

and i can swim! 

i just know a shark is going to attack me. 

just the other day i was at the gym. in the pool. 

afraid. 

i swim sprinted to where i could touch again and thanked God no one saw me. 

my eyes were so wide i could've convinced you there

was

actually a sea monster ready to kill us all. 

i have to be able to touch and see around me. 

once my feet can't touch, even though i can swim to save my life, i am terrified. 

i have lost control. 

i'm even afraid to sing the

oceans

worship song. 

i take worship very seriously. 

and if i can't sincerely sing the words, i won't until i'm ready. 

 it takes me to a very serious place to imagine being in the ocean. 

keeping my eyes above the waves. as oceans rise. 

WAVES AND OCEANS (AND SEA MONSTERS) RISING ALL AROUND ME. 

AND MY FEET CANNOT TOUCH. 

HOLY. 

that takes all my faith. 

to truly pray to God through my worship to be out in the ocean water, being deeper than my feet could ever wander is more like "okay, God, i love you, this tune is catchy and thanks for saving me and all, but please oh please never take me somewhere that scary" 

but if you know God, you know he will. 

he uses the least likely. the least capable. 

the most willing. 

eager to obey. 

and apparently, somehow, me blogging is that. 

he's asking me to. 

i've prayed about it and he's been clear. 

but now i'm too fearful. 

i'm shrinking back. 

and we know what God says about shrinking back. 

so, my dear readers that have been praying for me and encouragers of my blog, please continue to pray over this decision. and the decisions i make in the future. 

you are wonderful, dear creatures to me and i'm thankful for your emails and comments. 

when i'm truly able to sing the oceans worship song, my heart is so overwhelmed i cannot even sing. but i cry it out and as the tears flow i tremble and hold my hand to my heart 

because i actually think it will burst out.

and i feel God. in my heartbeat. 

it is my favorite moment. 

 it is good. 

and i can't even tell if my feet are touching.