confessions of a grown up drama queen || la vie en rose || baby burts

confession : 
today all i want to do is have a sweet baby burt girl in my arms,
singing la vie en rose to her and being her mama. 

that's it. 
that's all i want. 

i woke up humming it. 
it's in my heart. 
i rolled over and kissed my husband's face. hard. 
and he smiled to big. 
best way to wake up, ever. 
but then i also wanted to have our baby burt girl. 

we had a lovely morning. both humming the song. 
obviously ethan humming it in silly french accent. 
and making me laugh. 
breakfast and coffee. 
and then it's out to the office to work.  

i turned on my favorite version of the song and cried at my computer screen. 
then called my husband out to hold me on the utility room stairs so 
i could cry it out and be thankful for his big strong arms.
and his love. 
and that we're in this together. 

and then i also texted my friend who knows my heart so well.  
she responds with the best heart and kindness and beautiful friendship. 
and also saying that obviously baby burt would be the cutest baby
with the biggest brown eyes and all the irish hair.
and be in all the floral onesies. 
love her. beloved friend. 

i just want to share about this because this happens to me. 
and i don't try to hurry it away anymore. 
i suffer through it. and am thankful. 

i am very dramatic. 
ethan quotes anne of green gables all the time at me. 
"this is a wound i shall carry with me for the rest of my life"
that's mostly how i behave about every. little. thing. 
it's cute though, right? 

no. it's not cute. 
how will i behave when things don't go my way? 
how will i choose to speak about god if i don't get babies?
how will my story look if i do away with obeying god in the now
because things are looking perfect for me. for my perfect plan. 
that i made up for my life. 
that aren't necessarily bad things to want or dream about. 
but can quickly become idols of my life and take the place of serving my god. 

there is no perfect life. 
there is just perfect surrender. 


i have prayed the prayer. 
now i have to live the life. 

my life is for him. and not for me. 
so i do what he asks. 

i have zero idea what the future holds. 
if we still can't have our own babies, there are ways to get some. 
 we already talk about getting all the kids. 
because there are kids who need parents. 
and we have all the love to give. 

but i sit at my computer and i do another day's work. 
i love my husband and i am thankful for another day to be his wife. 
i sing my songs and dream of holding my own babies one day and singing to them. 
but i also have peace that maybe that won't be for me. 
because god knows what my story is. and i just want to live by faith and do the life he has for me.

i want him more than i want what my heart thinks it wants. 
because my heart leads me astray. 
my god never does. 


and that is my comfort. 

i have gorgeous nieces (i have nieces now!! eeep!) and nephews that love their aunt beffy 
and i so deeply love my time with them. 

i have coffee to drink and emails to answer. 
i'm honored that people even email me. like, they want to know what i think. they want my help.
they want my tiny amount of knowledge about photos&business. 
or friendship. or marriage advice. 
and i have to be in tune with the holy spirit to know how to answer them. 
because these emails are not a coincidence.  

i have photos to edit and more photos to take. 

i have a business to run. 

i have book clubs & if : tables to host. 

i have a ridiculously good-looking husband to show affection to and to serve and honor god in. 

i have a calling and i'm living it now. 

i struggle with where i'm at some days. 
but through the struggle i see the beauty. 
and i'm amazed that god is using little ole me. 
for his big glory. 

and i'm in awe. thankful and at peace. 
i delight in each day. and i just seek to know him more.