i've never been more fulfilled than when i choose calm over crazy
& allow God to overwhelm my soul.
my head is so fuzzy lately.
there's a lot going on.
there are more and more people getting in my head.
there's so much in this world to worry about and to focus on and this pressure
to be perfect or have your stuff together nicely or to just impress all the people.
it's like enough already.
i'm a people pleaser.
i have to take benadryl just to get sleep some nights.
i am a high anxiety, high stress level kinda girl.
and i'm exhausted.
i thought things would slow down.
just hang on a little longer because things have to get slower and calmer.
but they don't.
and they won't.
ethan keeps reminding me that more things will just be added as we get older.
more people, more responsibilities.
new people to meet that will either love us or hate us.
it's too much for my poor little brain.
most the time i feel like i'm an over heated computer.
i can feel actual heat coming off from my head.
and i need an a/c pointed at my brain to cool me down.
i'm finding that people have opinions about me.
and my friends and husband remind me that i am choosing a dangerous route.
i share publicly.
and because they are funny they share vince vaughn with me and his
"i know my truth"
and we laugh and laugh.
this is what i've chosen to do.
i feel called to share and so i am.
and then people feel led to share with me what they think.
whether that be good or bad.
and i'm learning to be okay with that.
so here i am, baring my heart.
my confidence and my strength comes from my beautiful creator.
most days it's hard to see if what i'm doing is producing anything good.
some days just feel like an all around waste.
i didn't help anyone. i just stayed home.
i edited some photos.
i wrote a blog.
but then i am sweetly reminded :
"Commit your actions to the LORD, and your plans will succeed."
he has control of all my days. all my ways.
and i will do what he asks of me.
even in the mundane, i can commit my actions to the lord.
even in my little IG posts. my blog posts and my intense love for taking every day life photos.
i have him on my heart all through my day.
and i used to think it was silly or foolish the way i like to organize a little photo before i take it
for instagram, to send to a friend or for my "life" photos.
the ones that don't get posted are our "life" photos.
sometimes my hermit husband doesn't want me to share a photo so that goes in the
"just for life" pile.
i take pride in the creating.
i wonder what it was like for god to create the universe.
what was he feeling and thinking when he created us.
such warm hearted feelings and love overwhelms me when i create something lovely
because i think of how he created us lovely.
in his own image.
and the need and longing i have for the redemption in his eyes.
and i delight in this time with him.
i feel like it's pretty awful that women can't even have an instagram
feed about their life without other women bashing on them.
as if the person's feed is untrue , fake or pretending to be perfect.
this whole "remember, people only share what they want you to think" thing.
i just don't agree.
i have met some of the absolute truest and purest hearts from IG.
and none of them are pretending to be perfect.
they share the mess. they share their brokenness.
that they yelled at their kids that day.
or are struggling to have kids.
or find a husband.
or were rude to their husband.
or that they haven't washed their hair in 5 days. or maybe even showered.
that they struggle with feeling like they are enough.
that they don't understand god and his plan for their life.
and they take really pretty little square photos.
the little squares on Instagram are such a beautiful way to connect and to peer into someone's little life.
i need to know what's wrong with someone organizing a little scene for the IG square?
all my friends know now to wait before eating because i probably want to shoot it first.
or a coffee photo.
with the beautiful hand-crafted tables my friend jeff made for mad goat.
or the using my hard wood floors in my home that i'm really proud of my husband for making.
or my floral wallpaper that i adore.
that we worked hard to pay for and worked hard to put up.
because wallpaper is not a dream come true to apply to plaster walls.
the square is just a tiny part of our lives.
the truth is in the caption we share.
the caption is the person's heart.
and the photo is an opportunity to see the heart.
people can be genuine and take a pretty photo.
it's not one or the other.
like, obviously they are a fake human because their photos are perfection.
no. they just took extra time because they enjoy it. they just used their brains and know that natural light by a window is better for a
pleasing to the eye photograph than a dark room at night.
just stop being mean.
these little things bring me joy.
and i love most to share joy.
today for my photos i will tell you what i did.
i grabbed some leftover succulents from the if : local danville and now i place them around my house for little added joys in our home.
i craft cute things too and there's wooden shapes
that i painted and added pretty paper to with mod podge.
i even made the mod podge myself with glue and water. in a mason jar.
you don't need to spend 10 dollars on mod podge when you can make it yourself for like 3 bucks.
i photographed my cat sleeping like a cute burrito in our bed sheets.
i use the VSCO app because it's insanely gorgeous and fun.
i also have coffee. all the time.
another thing that brings me joy.
in a mug that my dear friend stole for me from a restaurant in south carolina
(we asked if we could take it. but stole sounds better)
on one side it says "peony" and the other says "tulip"
with perfect pale pink stripes and
"everything grows with love"
you will also see my newest books and the pen i love most.
as well as tissues because i'm having sick days.
the best yes is an intimate book club with one other friend and it's blessing our hearts immensely.
the little one by john stott is my newest book and i'm already devouring it.
i used to feel like if i'm not writing/doing anything about how to save lives or feed the children or house the homeless then my day is worthless and i'm useless.
some days i feel like i should adopt all the kids already.
isn't it time? they need parents.
are we just being lazy?
or if i'm not selling all my things and moving to africa, then i'm not a true christian.
thankfully, i know better now. and my heart is so full and overwhelmed with god's greatness.
i'm learning patience. and timing.
understanding and obeying.
i read something about attitudes multiplying.
and i've never thought about it like this before but it was so awesome i have to share.
the little boy who gave jesus his 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish had an attitude of giving and sharing.
and offering all that he had even though it was a tiny amount. and god multiplied this into feeding 5,000 people.
jonah had a disobedient heart and didn't want to walk the dangerous road god told him to go down.
that multiplied into an entire ship of men almost getting killed.
and jonah getting eaten by a whale.
what attitude do i bring?
what will my attitude multiply into?
i will commit all my actions unto the lord.
and i know he will make my life a success.
because i'm obedient to him.
i will drown out all the voices and just focus on his still, small one.
and i will take really lovely photos for instagram. and share my guts.