the wife life || bethany & ethan || love burt living || part-time writer, full time failing wife in love with God's amazing grace

 

i stopped writing about my life as a wife for a while.
a few things happened in my little circle and space in the world
and i really felt inadequate to share about my life. 

i'm not a mother. 
i have a dream job. 
i have all the time in the world to do nothing. or anything. 
i've had very little loss in my life. 
i have a husband who adores me. 
friends who are good to me. 
more than enough food and clothes. 

 i joke that i'm like andy from the office. 
"i've had a very easy life!"

and i pretty much have. 
i'm thankful that i don't know much death and sorrow. 
i'm pretty sure that's to come. 
and then i'll also write about that. 

i do know much physical pain.
although it doesn't look like it from the outside. 
which sometimes drives me wacko. 


i've been joyfully married for 4.5 years. 
we have one cat. 
a house. 
one vehicle. 
very little debt. 
we are both small business owners. 
we go to church. 
and visit our friends at other churches. *fist bump*
we are learning our community. 
we serve others however we can, wherever we are. 
we get to travel. which we love. a lot. 
and we love the souls we meet because of the job god has asked us to do together. 

most of my life right now is easy. 
to a lot of people i haven't experienced enough life yet to share. 
and i'm definitely not educated enough to write. 

but it makes sense to me that God would call me to write. 
because i read his word and i know how he works.

he calls me by name and catches me in my sin. 
at the meeting place. 
and he gazes at me with love. 
and shares with me his everlasting life.

he is beauty. 

he tells me to turn from my sin. 

to look to him. 

and then a fire is in my soul and i have to share with others. 

he equips me.
my story is mine to experience. 
but his to write. 
and my part-time calling is to share it out on this little internet space. 

so, grab your coffee and let's go. 

today :  how i'm currently failing as a wife. 

shocked? 
i am. 
i mean, i've been becoming a pretty darn good wife over the years. 
i did the hard hard work and i thought i was done. 
you can laugh at me, it's really ok. 
i'm laughing too. 

i actually woke up surprised that i needed some work. 
apparently i'm getting cocky in my old age. 

ethan and i thoroughly enjoy the married life. 
we're big fans. 

we've gotten really good at marriage. 
and we're like, pffffft. we got this. 
and most the time we do. 

i just realized that i have been putting my needs in front of his needs. 
my needs are louder. 
he's very quiet and needs little. 
which should make my job easier. 
but i've been failing to meet his needs because i took my eyes off honoring god first.

let me tell you something. 
if honoring god isn't first in your heart,
the feelings to want to honor your husband won't just happen. 
so don't keep waiting for that. 

just to put it really basically, i've been selfish. 

now, before you stop me and say "oh, you deserve a break too", and "don't beat yourself up, you're a great wife", and we hug and i say thank you and then never change a thing about myself, let's really think about this. 

get yourself a good group of friends who will hug you and love you, and then kick you in the pants and tell you to get a move on, lady. 

sure, we work hard. 
we're tired. 
we still haven't showered because so many things need to get done. 
and we think we're doing such a great service to the world and our people. 

but. 
we store up bitterness. 
we hold on to disappointments until we crack and take it out on the dishes. 
or our poor husband who has no idea we've been feeling this way 
because they cannot actually read minds. 
and then it turns into ten fights because we finally let it all out and he can't follow whats going on and then he just has to make up for it in ice cream dates and flowers. 
bless. 

but those are the choices we have made. 
we choose.  

we choose to not take a shower and get ourselves ready. 
because we don't want to be selfish. 
we have to help the others. 

see how selfless i am. 
but then you go absolutely crazy. 

we choose to hold on to the bitter feelings and not communicate with our guy. 
and then we choose to rub it in their faces how much forgiveness we are showing them.
he has no idea how much forgiveness i'm giving him. lucky man. 

i've been very blessed with amazing christian wife mentors. 
they are far way now but i still channel them in my kitchen when i need help. 

what kind of wife do i want to be?
is my behavior honoring god?
is my behavior going to benefit anyone? 
am i acting out in anger? 
am i showing love? 
who am i serving? 
who am i doing this for? 
do i have a cheerful heart or am i storing up all the dates i'm going to get out of this?

this morning i knew i needed to make some changes again. 
but first, i needed to curl my hair. 
that was change one. 
if i'm going to be used today in my house as a wife this head of hair needs to be tended to. 
i woke up earlier to get what i wanted done to my appearance. 
i have an attitude when i don't like my hair. 
it's stupid, but i know it about myself. 

i have had my hair up or under a hat and unwashed for too many days. 
i've been sick all weekend and super miserable with my stupid insides that hate me. 
i'm up and moving around again, i know to feel human i need my hair clean and done. 

hair. 
ten minutes. 
done. 

that's my oxygen mask. 
now i can help the others. 

i made breakfast because my husband likes to eat. 
easy. 
i refilled the ice trays because that's one of his love languages. 
easy. 
i got his drink ready for his trip out of the house because he forgets that he likes hydration. 
easy. 

not too much else has happened yet today but i'm looking forward to serving him. 

i will show it with my actions. 
i will think well of my spouse. 
i will not hold on to expectations i created that he knows nothing about. 
i will communicate with him. 

i will kiss him and enjoy him. 

i fold his laundry because it's pleasing to my god to serve my husband. 
i don't do it only when or because ethan deserves it. 
because ethan still forgot to clean up his living room dishes like i asked him to.
i do it in worship to my god my king. 

marriage is beautiful sacrifice. 
i wanted this. 
i asked for this since i was a little girl. 
i love marriage. 
i'm thankful for marriage. 
i'm thankful god saw to it that this man was made for me. 
i want my husband to be honored.
i want to send him out into the world with all this armor on and his heart full. 
he is supported. 
he is encouraged. 
he is my hero. 

photo taken in beautiful charleston, south carolina || photo by my dear friend cassie