basically my whole heart & soul about my blog space || my life and my song || grace. truth & love.

the trouble with being a creative, self employed and lead by the holy ghost, 
is that you sometimes have to wake up at 3 am to blog your heart out. 
but you're tired. & so obviously you fiddle around trying to ignore and fall back asleep until 4am. 

i used to just think it was because i ate too late. 
(or fell asleep still eating..)
or drank some wine. maybe a full bottle.
that's why i am awakened from a deep sleep at 3 am. 
and sometimes, that's probably still true. 
i was told wine interrupts your rem sleep. 
but also, the holy spirit wakes me. 

i also used to be like "okay woah. i can't hang out with this weird girl who 
throws around the holy ghost and spirit talk anymore. tooooo much" 
but now i am that girl who talks like that. 

i also used to think i wasn't being used and it was just annoying to wake up at 3 am. 
but now i know that it is the beautiful voice of my god, calling me to obey. 
at three o' clock in the morning. 
for a silly blog. 

so this leads me to the point of this post. 

i am hoping this will be a once and for all kind of post
 then i can refer back to it, and you can, as needed. 
this is basically my whole heart & soul about it. 

sometimes when i'm blogging i feel like i need to be careful as to not hurt someone. 
or offend someone. 
or just to make sure, and re-make sure that you get my heart. 
or to just be extra careful because i know i need to be nice. 

but the thing is, 
you probably will be offended. 
and i'm not going to hold back. 

and my blogs would be even ten times longer, each blog, because i would have to keep retracing and being careful to double and triple make sure that it's smooth and kind and blah blah blah. 

my personal feelings and my personal story, convictions, ideas, way of life, 
might offend. 
you don't have to read. 
that is your choice. 

i don't try to hurt anyone. 
i don't want to come across as mean, nasty, rude, vain, offensive, etc. 
none of that. 

but i realize that i just probably will. 
and i'm starting to be okay with that. 
the people pleaser in me is cringing but the growing badass in me is like GO GIRL. 
(also sometimes i will say curse words)

this isn't your name dot com. 
this is my name dot com. 
i felt led to start a website, blog, place to share. 
and that's this.
and it's not mean or full of myself. 

jesus and his bible offends. 
 i do my most growing when i'm offended. 
it punches me in the throat.
and i think we all kinda need that. 
it causes us to look inward, hopefully get over ourselves, and be changed. 

i have all of my contact information on my site and i would love to hear from you. 
if you're mean, aggressive and nasty, you probably will not get a response. 
but if you truly would like to talk and can do so without flying off the handle, 
even in our differing opinions,  we'll talk. 

i like to blog/talk/share all about the stuff that's hard. 
also, fun, joyful stuff. 
i want to talk about day dates, diner coffee, wedding photography, infertility, adoption, married life, physical pain, drinking tea and coffee, wearing cute leggings, being a cat mom, crafting for fun, giving stuff away, church, songs i'm listening to, complete surrender to god, serving in the community, if gathering, delicious food, etc. 

there's got to be something in there that will offend someone. 
but i can't not write. 

i am in constant motion. 
my heart is being molded to that of my creator. 

i am a mess of a woman. 
i make mistakes. usually big, really painful ones. 
i share about my brokenness. 
and i will always be as real as i possibly can with you. 

when i think of how to live my life or how to react in a certain situation and my heart is in the wrong place, i screw everything up. 
so when i bring blogs to the world, i make sure to have the purest heart ready. 
that means sometimes i can't blog. 
because it would be the wrong heart and i would release poison to the world. 
but when i make myself right before the lord, then, and only then i can bring a post out. 

so my promise is to write truth with love. 
and truth with love means a loving way to approach the convictions of my heart. 

i'm tired of everyone thinking love means never hurting anyone's feelings. 
that's not love. 
love is honesty even when it's hard. 
truth means it sometimes hurts. but it's always for the better. 

we confuse love with feeling or hearing good things about ourselves all the time. 
no. just, no. 
without christ, we are not good. 
and we need to learn some tough lessons. 

i need truth and love. 
so i wish to give truth and love. 

i grew up as someone who would keep things in, gossip about them freely, pretend to be a christian, and hopefully never be confronted. or hope the issue just never gets addressed. 
i used to be a girl who let her toxic emotions control her life. 
sometimes, shamefully, i am still that girl. 

i have been drastically changing out of that girl since i have fully surrendered my heart to jesus. 
which i feel has really only been about 3 years. 
now, i still feel those toxic emotions and at times they still get the better of me. 
but i am learning to discern between the emotions, stay deeply rooted in true love. jesus christ. 
and make the better choice. 

you need to listen to this. 
now, she is my personal bud. so i'm a bit biased. 
we met recently and already my life has been intensely blessed. 
she's also probably the cutest darling woman creature on the planet. 
and i admittedly wish i could pull off the pixie like she does. 
but, more than all that, sister can preach. 
and she spoke right to my heart. 
at the perfect time. 
thank you.
and i need to share it here for all of us. 
please listen and be blessed. 
and remind me of this when i need it, too. 

from here i go out with love. 
i will be writing about things that are hard to chew. 
for me definitely, and maybe for you. 
please understand my heart. 
i mean well. and i mean love to you. 
and if you do read and you are offended, please look inward. feel it out, work it out with jesus.
and please show me grace. 
you're choosing to read what i have to say. 
it's incredibly hard to share your heart online. 
and i am an imperfect human who needs grace too. 

here are my notes from soul detox : toxic emotions by brittany neal

  • when our soul is healthy, we will be in good health. 

this is beautiful to me, someone who is in much physical pain at all times. 
i pray for a healthy soul. 
i don't care about my body. this is not my home. 

  • emotions should guide us : not rule us. 
     
  • 1. love 2. fear 
    that's it. 

    God designed us for and wired us for love. 
    and we learn fear through the choices that we make in our soul. 

    *unlearn fear
    *learn love

     
  • learn to be lead by the holy spirit rather than our feelings
  • roots that go deeper than our current reality 
  • jer 17.7-8 - stable. 
  • rise up. 1 sam 1.9 - hannah did not respond. she felt it. but she chose to not respond.
  • deeply distressed. wept. crushed in her soul. (i feel ya, sister friend)
    she felt it all and took it to god.
  • we can choose to not respond in a toxic way. we have a choice. 
  • pour out. 1 sam 1.15 - "but i have been pouring out my soul before the lord"
  • she probably looked a fool. i have done this but it's always been in the form of doing so around other people, blowing up and being toxic with my emotions and sharing that with the people around me. hannah tho, did so quietly without words coming out, looking like a drunk fool but knowing she was pouring it out to the lord. it was healthy. sometimes i feel like i'm an unhealthy crazy person when i need to "release the emotion". it gets real up in here. or, i try not to release it and then it blows up on the person or friends in the form of gossip, or my poor, unsuspecting husband. so do that, but in a safe place like my room. and do it before the lord. 
  • 1 sam 1.17 and go in peace. 
    and she ate and her face was no longer sad. 
    beautiful. 
  • move forward & trust god. 
  • 1 sam 1.19 worship anyways. 
    yes. keep the faith, trust his timing. worship anyways because he is good. 
    we are confused and weary and distressed. but we can worship still. 
    we are a mess. but he is strong, stable, still and for us. 
  • in due time... 
  • this was glorious to me. 
    in due time. 
    reminds me of his grace and goodness. 
    and that this life of mine, is really his. 
    it will not look like the selfish desires of my heart because i have given those up to serve him. all my days.